When Everyone's Special
by The Paradoxical Son
Summary: A somewhat satirical AU of the naruto-verse. Discontinued for various reasons. See profile for more details.
1. Musings of a (Slightly) Deranged Asshole

The Prologue

 **Consider this an experiment** , because everyone loves an overpowered Naruto for no logical reason. My theory is that as long is Naruto is not as pathetic as he is when canon starts no one else will care if he's still fairly weak on the totem pole. But everyone has humble beginnings, the fight with Haku being Naruto's, and you'll see exactly how "amazing" he'll be when the chunin exam starts.

There's more explanation at the bottom if you need it. To top it off, I'm starting right at Wave and this is the only Kakashi-centric chapter as the introduction.

* * *

"Huuuah," Naruto whined like a puppy. "Kakashi-sensei, why is it so boring?"

Team Seven's teacher had his nose stuck into his book, and ignored his student's complaints. He had lots of practicing blowing off Gai, and this smaller, blonder, and equally unacknowledged student of his was significantly easier to ignore; although, his voice was far more grating on the genius's ears.

Naruto huffed and looked away like he didn't care if his sensei answered or not. It didn't matter to him what that washed out pervert thought of him, or if he payed attention to him. No way!

Kakashi smiled behind his mask; he was so easy to read.

But it did matter, even if Naruto didn't acknowledge that feeling in him. "Sensei!" he moaned, his pitch rising an octave.

The change in pitch certainly mattered to Kakashi; he hadn't heard an annoying dulcet voice that focussed on receiving his attention since he had fangirls. The experienced shinobi spent a moment lamenting their lack now that they had developed into attractive women with sultry tones; he knew Icha Icha was a mistake, but the option of getting rid of the fangirls attracted to his tragic past and stoicness was too appealing (at the time) to pass up.

"Seeenseeii…" Naruto whined, high in tone and drawn out.

That had to stop.

He idly meandered his right hand to his weapons pouch, seriously contemplating stabbing his student while carrying his novel with his left hand. He decided against it (the paperwork and Sandaime-sama's disapproval proving a big enough deterrent), and instead reached for his spare Icha Icha novel and pulled it out.

"Here," he stated in a bland tone as he presented the novel to Naruto. "Multitasking while reading is an important shinobi skill." Indeed it was. Most people left their guard down while reading anything, but Kakashi had trained his awareness to be at its peak, through pavlovian conditioning, while reading.

"It will also keep you from being bored," he continued dismissively, bringing his right hand up to turn a page when his student took the book from his hand.

Naruto stared skeptically at the porn. "Did you really think I'm gonna buy that, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked (rhetorically, since Kakashi had no intention of answering). "This isn't an awesome jutsu, how will this help me be a better ninja?"

 _His desire to improve himself is the only positive thing about him…_ Kakashi mused, his thoughts tainted by hours of high pitched whining.

Sakura interjected with a snort of her own. "Well, you might _finally_ learn how to read," she trailed off. It made for a sceptic sounding statement casting doubt on Naruto's desire to learn anything, especially reading.

"Hey! I can read just fine!" Naruto retorted hotly, indignation seeping through his being. "Why do you have to be so mean Sakura-chan?"

Thump. Cry of pain. "Baka! Don't call me that!" the kunoichi shouted, her face red and fist outstretched.

The rest of team seven and their client didn't even break pace, so Naruto had to pick himself off the ground and catch up several seconds later.

"Why not?" Naruto groused, his left hand rubbing the side of his head. "It's not like Sasuke ever will…"

Kakashi winced at his student's grievous error, proving he was still paying attention. Fangirls and teenage girls in love were in a constant state of denial, and bringing any evidence to the contrary brought only pain.

"Cha!" She shouted to compliment her brutal uppercut. Kakashi found himself complimenting her textbook form and surprising strength. The way Naruto lifted up the ground and did several involuntary backflips made him think that she might be worth teaching after all.

The genius didn't miss the flash of respect in Sasuke's eyes after that punch. Apparently, like most shinobi, he was attracted to powerful women capable of beating the chakra out of him (but not actually getting harmed).

"So what do you say Sasuke? Do you wanna go-"

"No," he refuted, the small flicker of respect draining away.

Kakashi found himself blinking (winking?) at the pink afterimage his female student made. After a brief panic attack (Oh Sage- Hiraishin!), the silver-haired man just shrugged, dismissed it as a supernatural power of fangirls, and went back to reading.

Naruto peeled himself off the dirt a second time, and caught up in short order just to see Sakura sulking. "It's okay Sakura-chan," he comforted by putting a hand on her shoulder, "Even if you're violent, no one else loves you, and always have small boobs I'll always love you!" he declared.

Kakashi blinked. He could have sworn Jiraiya spent no time around the blonde jinchuuriki, but maybe he was wrong? Chakra imprinting from while he was in Kushina's womb?

"Naruto…" Sakura muttered quietly. Once more, Kakashi found himself impressed; her killing intent was awfully impressive. What was it with kunoichi that turned them into monsters once they were unfettered by the chains of society?

Oh, wait. He just answered his own question. The lack of social pressure allowed them to show who they really were among people they trusted.

…

Kakashi blinked. He held his Icha Icha novel like one might hold a viper, by the neck and ready to squeeze. Obviously, Jiraiya had snuck in too much sappy romance (he _was_ getting old) and it was affecting the way he thought. At this rate he might get married!

Kakashi distracted himself from that (horrible, terrible, and awfully awful) daunting train of thought.

"Maa, Sakura-chan, do you know where Naruto-chan is?" he asked blandly. Just where would he be? His refined chakra senses were entirely incapable of sensing him. That was bad, because they reached nearly a mile out.

Sakura flushed crimson all the way down to her neck in embarrassment. She pointed forward in lieu of an answer.

In front of them was an orange speck intent on making impact with the horizon. If he focussed chakra to his ears Kakashi knew he could hear him. He didn't; Naruto's voice was not very pleasing.

"Good job Sakura-chan! But if he lost my book you're paying for a new one," he replied, his response very mellow. Sakura probably thought he was going to punish her, or something equally silly.

"Bu-but sensei!" she protested. "Everyone would see me buy it and-" her voice became noticeably quieter, "they might think it was for me, and won't believe me when I say I'm getting it for you…"

"I'm sure Sandaime-sama will believe me when I inform him that it was, in fact, you who launched your teammate to the horizon?" Kakashi retorted flatly.

He would if the Hatake Clan Head would tell them that Naruto pulled a Jiraiya. Sarutobi had the bad habit of thinking all kunoichi were as scary as Tsunade.

"S-sorry sensei…" she muttered weakly. Kakashi blinked; he wasn't used to ninja with parents, and thusly were cowed by verbal rebuke. He even found himself supporting the idea of parenthood. Maybe if Minato-sensei, and Kushina, were still alive Naruto might shut up on command.

Certainly not his own parenthood though. A tightly kept secret was that among Kakashi's 1,345 jutsu 42 of them were contraceptive ones. Because there was nothing more horrifying than a small, needy, and whiny mutated piece of crusty sperm that he was legally obligated to support and care for. Watching over Naruto as an ANBU had absolutely nothing to do with his revulsion to children, not at all.

The experienced shinobi did notice Sasuke's massive blush after Sakura's last haymaker. Apparently, the ability to launch Naruto into the sky for justifiable purposes were attractive to more than just him.

"Maa maa Sakura-chan, it's fine. You might even start a trend!" he finished with an eye-smile.

"Sensei!" she retorted as she flushed red once again.

He continued the eye-smile (no one appreciated the effort it took to move just his lower eyelids); his two genin were just too cute. The third was just annoying, and he'd probably wind up as Hokage someday.

He could see it now…

" _Congratulations on finally becoming Hokage, Naruto-sama," he said with his eye-smile. Kakashi was constantly looking for traps and mapped the best way to escape the Hokage's office._

" _Thank you, sensei," Naruto smiled, the spitting image of Minato-sensei. "Fuin!"_

 _Damn it! An Uzumaki paralysis jutsu! Not only was he trapped, but he was reminded of the angst he had to deal with when Naruto finally found out who his parents were._

" _Sensei, you do know that you're the last Hatake right?" Naruto asked, finally learning how to make rhetorical questions now that he was no longer an insufferable teenager. "The Hatake's are the only clan down to one member you know?"_

 _That was true, he mused. Sasuke and Sakura were destroying training grounds and screwing like rabbits in equal measure, and they had popped out three helions he did his best to avoid._

 _Kakashi sent a pleading look to the ANBU he knew was in the corner, but couldn't see. There was a noticeable lack of response. Did his time as an ANBU captain mean nothing to them? Couldn't they have mercy on their old superior?_

… _._

 _Apparently he'd forgotten that he was a relentless, sadistic captain; and, his old subordinates hated him._

" _Have you heard of the CRA?"_

 _Yes._

 _No._

 _No, no, no._

 _No. No. No. No. No._

 _..._

 _He couldn't do this to him, his sensei!_

 _Kakashi struggled against the sealing jutsu he was caught in. Fine, maybe he could. But he wouldn't, he was Naruto's beloved and trusted sensei!_

 _Who was completely horrible to him, no matter how much he helped the ungrateful brat grow._

 _Sage why?!_

" _So, I got a trio of triplets who volunteered…"_

 _Were they hot? Wait, no. This wasn't happening. Nevermind the impossible chance of having a foursome with triplets._

" _And they all know the_ split in three _jutsu."_

 _No. Not that Jutsu. Anything but that. The jutsu that guaranteed the chance of triplets. With three women that was..._

 _That was…_

 _Nine children. Nine! All of them screaming, squawking, whining, and calling him 'tou-san'!_

" _And by the Hokage's decree you're no longer allowed to wear that mask. Have a nice retirement, sensei!"_

 _Kakashi slumped as he was dragged away by three women as his mask was removed._

 _At least they were hot._

"Sensei! Sensei!" Sakura shouted.

Kakashi mentally brushed that disturbing vision from his head. He blamed the clarity on Obito's faulty eye. That must've been the reason why all the Uchiha went insane. Really, they should all thank Itachi.

"Oh, did you say something Sakura-chan?"

Her scowl was horribly cute, and Kakashi didn't know how to feel about that. "I _said_ , what are we going to do about Naruto?"

Stab him to death so that impossible vision remained just so, impossible. Maybe just cut off both his legs. The Hokage couldn't be legless could he?

But with Naruto's luck he'd find Tsunade or some ridiculous way around that limitation. It was probably best to be safe to kill, and then cremate, him.

He usually wasn't bloodthirsty; but, the idea of killing Naruto was very cathartic: a balm on his blackened soul.

"We'll wait and see if he makes it back," Kakashi replied flippantly.

"Gee, I hope you care about _me_ more than that sensei," she retorted darkly.

It was his duty as her sensei to tease her, prey on her worst insecurities, and make her give off that adorable squawk of indignation. "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

Yup, that's the one. Like a baby chick denied its worm. "Sensei!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi noticed the look of concern in Sasuke's eyes. That was cute, despite not acknowledging Naruto he still cared. If he was a more sentimental man he would've let out a tear to see his relationship with Gai repeated in the younger generation.

But he wasn't sentimental; he was an experienced, jaded, and cynical shinobi. That meant he would have to tease him mercilessly instead. "Ne Sasuke-kun, are you worried about him or trying to unlock your sharingan?"

Kakashi gave that comment his personal approval. It preyed on the inferiority complex Itachi gave him (and everyone else, except Kakashi), and the heart he was actively trying to repress at Itachi's bidding.

Honestly, Sasuke was just so silly. Listening to his older brother even after he killed their entire family? That was just weird. The advice he was following was even sillier. "Your hate must equal mine" and all that nonsense.

Well, nobody but him (Itachi's old captain) knew of Itachi's grand ambition. He wanted to be the stereotypical villain. That one overpowered villain who inspires greater fear than the shinigami, the villain with ambiguous morals and purpose, and that one villain everyone can't help but love (and write fanfiction with the protagonist about).

He had succeeded on all counts, Kakashi noted. Maybe he decided to be a bit greedy and play a double agent as well, with a side of suicidal self-repentance. Itachi was good enough to pull that off.

As it was, he was probably having the time of his life munching on pocky; whereas, Kakashi was babysitting his angsty younger brother and two other brats. Totally not fair.

"I'm just worried he'll have lost more brain cells," Sasuke muttered in reply.

He spoke! For the first time this mission! Kakashi mentally patted himself on the back; he was making real progress.

"I'm sure we won't notice despite Sakura-chan's best attempts at knocking them out of him. Ne Sakura-chan, do you think he's a pinata?"

Sakura blushed hotly, but to Kakashi's disappointment didn't let out any cute noises. Sasuke blushed as well, most likely to the mental image of Sakura knocking a trussed up Naruto around a tree like a tetherball.

Well, that certainly was an erotic image. He would get his odd attraction to his genin student looked at, but he'd had worse mental conditions he hadn't gone in for. In retrospect, he probably should have gone to therapy. Right now, he should go to therapy. But he really didn't want to.

Tazuna bemoaned the fact that he didn't bring enough alcohol. He was nowhere near drunk enough to deal with shinobi.

* * *

Itachi was sitting in a room with some of the most terrifying S-ranked nin since the formation of the hidden villages. The room was darkly lit with looming shadows, and the polished wooden table in front of them glowed from the fine finish of red oak. They were all wearing black cloaks with ominous red clouds on them, and sinister facial features were plastered on every member.

The Akatsuki. Itachi's dream organization.

"Kakuzu, report on finances," Leader-sama stated, his voice cold and detached.

"As well as can be expected. We're constantly losing money to buy leads, but we also gain respectable amounts from the difficulty of missions," he replied.

Leader-sama didn't even bother to nod. "Sasori, what can you tell us about Orochimaru's recent actions?"

The Akatsuki did not take betrayal lightly.

"He has been bouncing between three locations: the Eastern Sea, the Land of Rice Paddies, and Kusagakure. Nothing confirmed about his actions among the former two. The latter, he has been known to pick up orphans from the streets. The trend among these children are rare bloodlines, presumably because Kusagakure's brothels are renown. Questionable leads of Orochimaru spending time in Kirigakure have arisen, and require further investigation. The conflict in water country is optimal for picking up rare bloodlines and hiding, making these questionable leads probable."

Leader-sama considered this information. "Kisame, Sasori. You are partnered for the duration of this mission. Investigate these rumors. Report back in person two weeks at the latest."

Kisame grunted; Sasori did not react.

"Leader-sama," Sasori spoke, voice dull and jaw clicking like a wind-up toy. "Intelligence is limited the closer to Hi no Kuni. Jiraiya's intelligence network is immense, and limits information even in Ame itself."

Itachi allowed a feeling of smugness to suffuse his being, just for a moment.

Pein nodded, and the Uchiha knew the case was closed. Sasori and Leader-sama had numerous parallels. Both of them controlling false bodies, their logical manner of thought, and rebellious nature.

Itachi snuck a stick of pocky into his mouth with all of the stealth skills of an S-ranked nin. The only one who noticed was Konan, with a glimmer of mirth in her eyes. The rest of her face remained impassive, and Itachi felt better knowing at least one other person was partially sane.

Itachi swallowed, and broke the silence with his voice. "The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki is presumably on a genin squad with Uchiha Sasuke, a kunoichi, and Sharingan Kakashi."

Leader-sama tilted his head to look at Itachi face to face. Itachi slipped another pocky into his mouth, a classic chocolate. "Explain."

Itachi swallowed once more, and he ignored Konan's incredulous look. "Konoha places one academy team per graduation like so: Rookie and Kunoichi of the year, and the dead last. Konoha favors 2:1 ratios of male to female. My brother will have Hatake Kakashi as his jounin sensei for obvious purposes."

Hidan snorted, tired of being silent. "So the Kyuubi fucker is the dead last."

"That is not something to complain about," Kakuzu stated.

"Indeed," Leader-sama stated, stopping the chatter that would start up shortly. "Itachi, tell me about Hatake Kakashi."

Itachi swallowed once more, and ignored Konan's open jaw just barely visible above the collar of her cloak. "Kakashi is dangerous. Officially he is an A-ranked nin, but that is because he lacks firepower in his jutsu. I have little doubt he could assassinate the majority of this room and be in Konoha by daybreak."

It was nighttime. All secret meetings with an evil organization had to be done by the light of the moon. It would be just tacky otherwise. Itachi was immensely glad this was a professional organization who knew how to be evil; it would be disappointing if Itachi's first evil organization was his second one.

"You would assess-" Itachi took three sticks of pocky at once, he was feeling greedy, "-Hatake's covert threat level the same as Jiraiya's?" Leader-sama asked to clarify.

There was a noticeable pause as Itachi chewed his pocky stealthily with chakra through the tenketsu in his mouth. He swallowed and ignored Konan's facepalm as he replied. "Yes."

That was considerably scary to the rest of the room. Jiraiya had knowledge in senjutsu, ninjutsu, and stealth that would allow him to wipe through much of the Akatsuki with ease. He was considerably less frightening to face head-on.

That didn't say much though. No one wanted to face him directly either.

"Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori. Eliminate Hatake Kakashi and kidnap the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki during their first out of village mission. Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu. You have been reassigned to investigate Kirigakure."

The Akatsuki members retreated swiftly and silently, their objectively amazing cloaks swishing along the floor. Itachi remained seated.

Konan met his eyes and sighed, her emotionless facade dropping. "You are ridiculous," she stated factually.

Itachi smiled his bishounen smile at her, the bottom half of it concealed by his high collar. Perhaps he could seduce her, pry the darkest secrets of the organization out of her, and betray the Akatsuki.

His level of villainy would rise at least three levels from such a masterful ploy.

Konan blushed lightly, and Itachi's charming smile turned sinister. He could just imagine the camera slowly panning before the screen went black, leaving the watcher with eager anticipation.

His sharingan activated, painting The Paper Angel's flustered visage forever in his mind.

Red eyes gleamed as they captured the light of the moon.

* * *

 _Ah,_ Kakashi thought as he rolled his shoulder. _This is nice_.

They had caught up to Naruto, who looked decidedly miffed. He sulked in a figurative corner, as much as their protection detail allowed. He was broody, had the expression of a kicked puppy, and was quiet.

The lone jounin smiled behind his mask, and decided to do something nice for Sakura sometime later.

Since then Naruto had picked up the Icha Icha book he'd received earlier and was reading it, stumbling over the uneven road occasionally. Kakashi had noticed Sakura wanted to bash the blonde genin's head in for reading porn, but was too relieved that _he had shut up_ and decided to leave him be.

Sasuke looked mildly interested in an object that caused his female teammate that much rage. Kakashi didn't doubt that he'd find the Uchiha reading Icha Icha soon enough in order to inspire Sakura's hot fury.

The last Hatake could see his angsty students simplistic line of thought easily. The orange book turns her into a superhuman monster rather than a fangirl. The starting of puberty, and the general oddness of shinobi in general, attracted him to the superhuman monster.

"S-s-sensei!" Naruto shouted, sounding horribly scandalized. "H-how can you read this?!"

Team seven's sensei was unperturbed. "You're blushing, aren't you?" ' _And walking funny…'_

"No! No I'm…" Naruto trailed off; he was incapable of making a lie that blatant. He then snapped the book shut instead of sputtering denials. The orange novel was hanging by the side of his thigh, put out of sight and mind.

Kakashi didn't miss the way Naruto's arm twitched and eyes strayed towards the smut.

"That's right Naruto," Sakura intruded smugly, "that book is nothing but trouble."

Naruto looked like he wanted to defend the book, for no discernable reason besides being himself. Kakashi assumed it was that odd sense of false pride his student had. Perhaps some weird thought process connecting becoming the Hokage and never making a mistake?

Naruto was weird.

To everyone's surprise, Sasuke spoke up. "Are you sure? It's written by a legend."

Ah, that was Sasuke's goal. To rile up Sakura into that fierce, fiery temper. If he was thirteen, Kakashi acknowledged he'd probably think Sakura's anger was attractive as well. As it was, her fury was cute; however, there was this odd sense that the other shoe would drop and the footprint it left would spell 'Tsunade Mark Two'.

"Sasuke!" Sakura screamed. "How…"

A scream of inarticulate fury leapt out of the pink-haired girl's throat as her face flushed red with anger. Her crush on Sasuke was conflicting with her pride as a female, and the result was unaimed, all-consuming rage.

Sasuke blushed.

Naruto, oblivious to Sakura's plight (and a lot of other things too), interjected. "Wait! Who wrote these books?" He was staring at the front cover, as his eyes traced the odd pen-name Jiraiya used."The Gallant Toad?"

Kakashi reached into his weapon (book?) pouch once more and pulled out his bingo book. He flipped through the pages, fluttering through A to J, and stopped on the legendary shinobi. He handed the book to Naruto.

Sakura abandoned her rage for the moment to peer over Naruto's left shoulder, while Sasuke loomed behind his right. Kakashi subtly pulled up his headband, because the moment was picturesque and their reactions would be hilarious. All of it the latter, because the former meant he was getting attached to the brats.

"Jiraiya, the Toad Sage," Naruto repeated, his face dumbfounded. "Whoa…"

"Sinker of cities," Sakura recited.

"Destroyer of armies," Sasuke intoned.

Kids were weird, Kakashi realized as his students fell into a pattern of repeating one line they'd read.

"Student of Sandaim-jiji?" Naruto said.

"Survived against Salamander Hanzou?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke didn't say anything, but flipped the pages forward to the S section. The page landed open on one of the most infamous shinobi in recent memory.

"Whoa…" they all repeated, even Sasuke, as one.

Their reactions weren't all that surprising. Salamander Hanzou was impressive enough during the second shinobi war that Ame was completely untouched, creating an odd space in the middle of the continent where no shinobi travelled.

"Why didn't they tell us about this guy in the academy?" Naruto demanded. "I would've totally paid attention!"

Kakashi blinked, honestly shocked. "They didn't teach you about Salamander Hanzou?" He was a man so powerful that he'd shaped history by himself. The idea that he was left out of the academy curriculum was ludicrous, but apparently true.

"Wait, wait, what?!" Naruto shouted. "That Jiraiya guy barely survived with his two teammates helping? Were they losers or something?"

"Shut up dobe. They were just as strong," Sasuke refuted quietly.

Sakura nodded in agreement, her chin hitting Naruto's shoulder, as they walked as long. She flipped the pages to the more convenient T section, and revealed the two pages on Tsunade.

Sasuke blushed again, and Kakashi remembered that her picture in the bingo book had halfway destroyed clothes hanging off her shoulders, and an expression of abject fury contorted onto her face.

"Destroyed a mountain in a single punch…" Sasuke stated, his voice weak and his cheeks going a shade darker.

There was a moment of silence as Naruto and Sakura read the profile, and his third student ogled the picture of Tsunade.

"So who was the last guy?" Naruto asked curiously.

They paused to shuffle some pages about before revealing a creepy picture of Orochimaru.

"Eww," Sakura and Naruto said together.

Naruto quickly flipped the page and it showed some chunin from Takigakure. "That guy was seriously freaky," he muttered.

Sakura flipped the page back to the Snake Sannin. "Freaky, but powerful."

"Don't forget a traitor to Konoha as well!" Kakashi chimed in, his voice too chipper to be anything but mocking.

His students didn't even peel their eyes from the book; Kakashi pouted.

"He ate someone?!" Naruto shouted loudly.

They mutually decided to flip the page from Orochimaru, and Sasuke flipped the pages to the U section. There was just one page on himself.

It read:

Name: Uchiha Sasuke, The Last (Easily Obtainable) Uchiha

Rank: D, Genin

Affiliation: Konoha

Bounty: 200,000,000 Iwa- Alive, 200,200,000 Kumo- Alive, (Rumored 1,000,000,000 Sound- Alive)

Skills: Academy graduate, Basic Three Jutsu, Low ranked fire jutsu, high genin level taijutsu (Interceptor Fist).

Notable accomplishments/kills: None

Notes: Hasn't unlocked kekkei genkai (sharingan)- worthless dead. Breeding age. Approach with caution: jounin sensei **Hatake Kakashi** (see profile).

"Wow…" Naruto said. "You're not worthless after all."

Sasuke grimaced, but said nothing.

"Sensei?" Sakura piped up. "Do you know what Hidden Sound village is?"

Kakashi shrugged as he pulled his forehead protector over Obito's eye once more; his genin might finally pay attention to him. "There are only rumors. Mostly it seems to be a collection of people with kekkei genkai that have fled Kiri's bloodline purges, and their village is completely hidden if they exist. The daimyos have no records of giving missions to these people, so logically they don't exist because there's no money. Most people assume the Billion ryo they offer is false. Still, there's so many rumors that it's best to assume it exists."

Like hell he was telling his students that Orochimaru was running the village; he hadn't even told Sandaime-sama, much less three genin. Besides, they were creeped out enough by his photo, if they knew Orochimaru was legitimately offering a billion ryo for Sasuke…

Well, anyone would be creeped out if Orochimaru had that much an interest in them.

"So if they do exist, they'd want Sasuke because he's an Uchiha?" Sakura asked.

"That sounds about right," Kakashi shrugged.

"Whoa…" Naruto muttered. Apparently he had flipped the page to the next entry, Uchiha Itachi.

Name: Uchiha Itachi, The Bloody Kinslayer

Rank: S, Missing Nin

Affiliation: Formerly Konoha

Bounty: 500,000,000 (+1 sharingan) Konoha- Dead or Alive, (Rumored: 1,000,000,000 Sound- Alive).

Skills: Mastery of shuriken-jutsu, kenjutsu (Uchiha Clan with hints of Hatake Clan styles), and taijutsu (Interceptor Fist), Up to S-rank Fire Jutsu, Up to A-rank Lightning jutsu, Up to B-rank Water Jutsu, Up to A-rank Wind jutsu, Up to B-rank Earth jutsu, Shadow Clone jutsu, Great Clone Explosion jutsu, sharingan-enhanced mastery of genjutsu, raven summoning contract (flight), and perfect acting ability.

Notable Accomplishments/Kills: Massacred all but one Uchiha, Uchiha Sasuke (see bingo book issue 273 for more details), eliminated Iwa's 4th bomber core (see issue 268), and earliest sharingan awakening since Uchiha Madara (see issue 7).

Notes: Run away with extreme prejudice. Rumored to be A-sexual.

Naruto flipped between the two pages with interest. "That's the guy your 'ambition is to kill'?" Naruto asked. "Kakashi-sensei? What's the difference between a D-rank and an S-rank?"

"Well," Kakashi began, moving one lazy eye to rest on Sasuke before sliding back to Naruto. "Ranks are decided by the ability to take out shinobi of a lower rank with ease. For example, a C-ranked nin would be able to defeat you three without issue."

"So the difference between a D-ranked ninja, and an S-ranked is… the ability to defeat elite jounin without issue," Sakura completed.

"Exactly," Kakashi said, punctuating his confirmation with an eye-smile.

"That's a big gap," Sakura stated, her eyes flickering over Naruto's head to Sasuke.

"Exactly," Kakashi confirmed. "Once Sasuke-kun can defeat me without issue then he could face Itachi."

Sasuke, trembling with poorly contained fury, nodded.

"You're welcome to try anytime we're not on a mission Sasuke-kun," Kakashi placated, adding an eye-smile for additional effect.

The last (easily obtainable) Uchiha huffed, and looked away.

"Sensei? What does 'run away with extreme prejudice' mean?"

He turned his eye-smile on Naruto. "It means that the people who wrote the Bingo Book have odd senses of humor."

Naruto squinted at his sensei. "You should really cover both eyes with the amount you keep it closed."

Naruto's faceplant was completely coincidental, and was obviously the world compensating for his annoyance with pain. It was for that reason that Kakashi took no enjoyment in the way that Naruto scraped dirt off of his tongue.

"Y'know, he might be right sensei," Sakura stated doubtfully, bracing herself for the strike she was certain would come.

"Did you say something?" he retorted spitefully.

Sasuke snorted before retreating into his shell once more.

Tazuna was inspecting some mushrooms he'd found on the side of the road. He may be out of alcohol, but he might get lucky and find some hallucinogens.

* * *

Kakashi cast some super powerful genjutsu and immediately proceeded to hide his chakra. The result was that he was visible only to his genin and the client, and the two people hiding in the puddle weren't aware of his presence.

He wanted to see how his students were doing, and this seemed like a fairly good test. Normally two chunin versus three genin resulted in three dead genin, but his students were special. They might even be able to win, maybe.

Doubtfully.

It seemed that without a jounin present the two ninja abandoned the idea of an ambush, and slid up from the puddle slowly and dramatically. Chunin were always weird like that; the habit was beaten out of them before they could become jounin.

One of the weird looking ninja looked at the other dismayed. "Why is it we can never find some pretty woman, with lovely breasts, that doesn't look like a child."

Killing Intent crackled through the air.

The other shinobi nodded in agreement. "I know. It's like we've been hit by a loli curse or something. This one even has pink hair."

"And a freakishly large forehead," the First added.

"And a freakishly large forehead," number Two agreed.

The Killing Intent was making it hard to breathe, even for Kakashi.

The two missing Kiri nin ignored it somehow. "Why is it that we can never find a woman with brains and breasts? It's always one or the other."

Number Two nodded sagely. "All the same, it'd be nice if some of that forehead could go to her breasts. She'd look rather nice rather than hideous then."

The Killing Intent that poured through the air like syrup suddenly seemed to affect the duo, as they froze. Kakashi facepalmed.

" **Shannaro!** "

* * *

"There there Sakura-chan," Kakashi said. There was someone hugging him, touching him, and making him act and feel paternal. He didn't know how to handle it. He was handling it poorly. He wanted her to stop touching, stop crying, and go back to the cute little Sakura he knew and teased.

She mumbled something undecipherable into his chest, squeezed him tighter with her thin arms, and another series of sobs wracked her body.

Kakashi met Sasuke's eyes, and he molded the chakra within him to perform a quick substitution with the slightly curious Uchiha. He stopped abruptly; there was something in that onyx gaze which prevented him from going through with the idea. At least he hoped there was; otherwise, that'd mean he wanted to comfort Sakura and act paternal.

 _Ack_ , he thought as she squeezed tighter.

Kakashi's logical side of his genius (unlike his emotional ignorance) presented a solution. "Here," he offered, untangling Sakura's arms from his waist. "I have something to show you."

He bit his thumb, blurred through a couple hand seals, and slammed his hand on the ground. "Summoning jutsu."

A large, fluffy dog appeared. Kakashi redirected Sakura on top of the ninken with a slight nudge, and she buried her face into the fur without hesitation. Her arms came to cling to the dog.

Sakura looked like she wanted to try an odd variant of mutton busting, with some added trembling and tears.

 _I don't want to do this_ , the look in the ninken's eyes said.

 _Too bad_ , Kakashi's retorted.

He locked eyes with Sasuke, and without a crying kunoichi in his arms he could come up with brilliant, teasing schemes once again. The Last Hatake waggled his eyebrows and made some suggestive looks between the pink-haired girl and her crush.

Sasuke hesitated, but Sakura's earlier actions impressed him enough to go through with it. "Sakura, why are crying?"

Well, that wasn't going to win him any points. Well, maybe it would; Kakashi didn't know. All of his experience with women all pertained to seducing them.

Sakura lifted a teary face from the dog's fur. "I killed two people!" she shouted before immediately becoming more demure. "I killed two people…"

"That's our job," Sasuke stated. "You heard what they said as well. You were protecting yourself and our client."

"But they killed people too," she bawled. "How does this make me any better than them?"

Kakashi took everything nice he said about parents back. Instilling a love for all people was a non-functional idea in the shinobi world. Maybe Naruto would prank her parents if he requested it…

"Your intent was to protect. Theirs was to kill."

Sakura gasped once in a silent sob before replying. "But I didn't want to protect. I wanted to hurt them, I wanted them to shut up, and I wanted them _gone_."

Sasuke blushed at the image of a blood-covered Sakura before regaining his wits. "We'll deal with that next time, but this time you did the right thing."

Kakashi wanted to gag at that idealist placation, but decided that a functional Sakura who didn't touch him and cry was the better option.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun," she said with a tear-stained smile before burying her face into fur once more. "This ninken is so fluffy," she said with a muffled voice.

 _Please get her off_ , the summon's eyes pleaded.

 _Ahh, no_ , Kakashi's replied.

"Wait, how is Naruto still alive?" Sakura asked, her face dry after wiping it all off in fluffy fur.

Sasuke froze. That was a good question, and once Kakashi couldn't answer any of it truthfully.

Oh well. He was always a good liar.

Kakashi eye-smiled at them, it always made for a good distraction. "Haven't you always wondered why Naruto was in a class with clan heirs and, well, a girl with rich parents?"

Sakura's and Sasuke's' eyes met before returning their attention to their sensei. "No…"

"He has a rare kekkei genkai, and from what we figure out it gives him lots of chakra and a stronger body than anyone else."

"So if he had been anyone else…" Sakura trailed off, looking guilty again.

"Maa maa, it would've been fine. You didn't have enough chakra or control to do that when you were younger," the last Hatake dismissed with a wave of his hand.

"Where is he anyways?" Sakura asked, her voice returning to her. It was probably just because she was distracted rather than her moving past her guilt. It was good enough for the moment.

"Questioning his attraction to you?" Kakashi replied. "Washing himself off? Who knows…"

Kakashi walked off, leaving the two lovebirds to themselves. He had a stretch of road to clean.

Liquidized chunin were unsurprisingly quite messy.

Tazuna was chugging some sake at the speed of a man in a desert. He was so lucky the jounin had some sealed with him.

But still… he thought she was the harmless one…

* * *

"Ne Naruto-chan, are you alright?"

Blue. Those lustrous, azure agates stopped further teasing in his throat. Those were not Naruto's eyes. Those were the eyes of the Hokage hidden beneath him; they only showed when Naruto was completely honest with himself and others in equal measures.

"Sensei, why do we kill?"

That voice wasn't the whiny voice of an unnoticed child. Kakashi hadn't heard a voice that unguarded and sincere ever. He spent a moment lamenting the fact that it wasn't his voice all the time.

"You've heard it said before, that 'shinobi are tools', right?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah, Mizuki said something like that sometimes. So does Iruka-sensei."

"Well, it's kind of true. But, it's also wrong."

Piercing eyes bored into his lone eye. "What do you mean, sensei?"

"Hmm. Well, let's use this kunai as an example," Kakashi said, pulling a kunai out of his weapon pouch.

In a flash of motion, the kunai was buried into a squirrel on a nearby tree.

"Sensei?" Naruto asked. He wasn't indignant, or demanding an answer in a way which would give attention. He trusted that his sensei wouldn't ignore him, and had a purpose.

Sage, he could hurt and damage Naruto so badly by just walking away without another word. The blonde jinchuuriki would reach his own conclusion with the words already spoken. All of his words were internalized and accepted with the way he was now.

Naruto was vulnerable. He was so very easy to hurt right now.

"How did the squirrel die Naruto-chan?"

A curious expression crossed the blonde's face as he dutifully answered. "You killed it, sensei."

"But I didn't. The kunai killed it."

"But that's also true sensei."

Ah, he caught on. Neither of the answers were false.

"So both the tool and the person are killers," Kakashi summarized.

"Right."

"So what happened this afternoon then? Did Sakura kill the chunin, or did her fist?"

"Both sensei," Naruto answered dutifully.

"But shinobi themselves are tools, so if Sakura and her fists are both tools then, who is the person?" Kakashi asked.

"Tazuna…" Naruto stated, his voice pensive.

"Now, I know this is difficult to imagine, but there are cities. Huge cities that are ten times, a hundred, times the size of Konoha, all without shinobi. All of those cities combine, and they're so much bigger than Konoha. Hmm, it's almost like Konoha would be the size of a kunai compared to the cities."

"You're saying Konoha is a tool?" Naruto asked, not accusatory but simply curious. "And those cities are the person. But why would those cities want a tool?"

Kakashi eye-smiled sadly, not that Naruto could decipher any emotion from his smile. "The same reason a ninja would want a tool."

"To kill things?"

How predictable. "Is that the only use of a kunai?"

He could see the gears turning inside of Naruto's head. "To do things you couldn't do without one."

What a perfect answer. "That's right. To cut people, trees, fruit. Those are all things a kunai can do but a person can't. Now, let's use the last example. If you set a trap, did you kill them, or did the trap?"

"Both sensei."

"But," Kakashi began, his tone of voice suggesting that Naruto's mind would be blown. "But what if you don't know if the trap went off. You can't see it, you can't hear it, and you didn't trigger the trap remotely."

"...It's still both sensei."

He held up one finger, non-verbally stating that destroying his perception of reality hadn't started yet. "But, because you didn't see or feel it it's much easier to tell yourself it was the trap, and not you."

Naruto's eyes widened.

"Now tell me why Konoha is a tool that the other cities want," Kakashi finished.

He could even see the flash of realization and brilliance in those blue eyes. They were like clear water, everything below the depths could be seen. "They want to kill people, but they don't want to feel bad like Sakura-chan."

"And because killing other people makes them feel bad, they don't kill each other. In other words, because of ninja they have peace. Every person you kill means there's hundreds of other people who don't have to."

"That's not fair sensei," Naruto declared in a small voice. He was probably realizing just how small he was in the world.

"Are you fair to a kunai?"

Naruto was silent for a moment. "What's the Hokage?" he asked.

"If the Hokage's duty is to serve Konoha, and Konoha is a tool…" Kakashi trailed off. Answers were always more important when discovered rather than given: even if the line between discovery and gift was blurred.

"The Hokage is the tool, of a tool…" Naruto realized, his voice small.

"Maa maa, tool is such a negative, impersonal term. Hokage is a job, not a person. An important job, but just a job. And that's why shinobi are not tools. Our work as a shinobi is to be a tool, but the people themselves aren't tools."

"Oh…"

"It's like… it's like _weapon of the soul_ ," Kakashi concluded.

That was why Kakashi was a genius, he could conclude a serious conversation with a cool jutsu. A cool jutsu that would help him understand the metaphor.

Genius.

"What's that sensei?" Naruto asked as he started bouncing. His eyes were brimming with excitement, but the openness was gone.

"Well, Sandaime-sama summons his boss summon: the Monkey King Enma-"

"Jiji can use this awesome jutsu? What rank is it anyway?" Naruto interjected.

"It's an S-rank jutsu," Kakashi stopped because he knew he was going to be cut off.

"Whoa…"

Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. What an excitable kid.

"So Enma is as good as an S-ranked ninja."

"Wait, you can summon things that awesome?"

"Yes. And weapon of the soul takes S-ranked Enma, and S-ranked Sandaime-sama and turns them into one shinobi."

"No way, that's like, like a double S-ranked shinobi!"

"Ah, that sounds about right…"

He was a good kid, if a bit annoying at times. _You'd be proud of him Minato-sensei_. _He'll be the Hokage someday. Anyone who has spent a month with him can tell, but for now_ …

"A staff that can grow arms and throw people around?!" Naruto shouted, bouncing with excitement.

 _He's just a kid._

* * *

Minato felt the odd urge to sneeze; sneezing wasn't in the programming.

 _Ah, now there is a second camera. Hello._

Clearly his impulse to sneeze was just that silly anime superstition, and a mediocre fanfiction author was making light of that.

Minato focused on his fight once more, and ended it with one decisive blow of his sword. Beyond the fourth wall he could hear the complaint that had arisen.

" _Man, he's so broken. Why doesn't he just get nerfed?"_

In a previous life (the same one actually), he was known as "Wave-wind" and had hated Kumo with a passion before _that_. Now he was rather fond of Kumo; it was a good name.

 _Ah, have fun author-kun.  
_

* * *

 **Introduction End.**

Sorry for the Kakashi-centric chapter, it needed to be done. Naruto is a little too socially oblivious for Third Person Limited to show any different character development that the AU tag warrants.

Sorry for the Naruto-bashing, I guess? To be fair, Naruto is fairly pathetic before he learns the rasengan, but the fact that he survived Sakura's gigaton punch speaks well of his capabilities.

I went through canon again and decided that I couldn't write Sasuke correctly, and decided to add a fetish for violent women to the side. It even makes sense (kinda).

As for Kakashi, he pretended to be a carefree asshole with a side of porn addiction, because if you take someone emotionally broken like Sai, it would be fairly easy to get him to act like Kakashi. The premise here is "it's impossible to pretend without becoming" (I think that's Ender's Game), and Kakashi has officially 'become'.

Anyways, the premise behind this is because everyone is stupid overpowered, that "nobody" is stupidly overpowered. Except Minato, and in his little snippets he'll even recognize his MarySue-ness. There'll be more about him later. Just know that he's the most overpowered being to walk the planet.

Leave a review and tell me what you think, and how I should buff up some characters. I think it's going to be a struggle for me to write overpowered characters if they're not over-the-top like Minato.


	2. (Tsu)Nami no Kuni

Chapter 1: A Taste of Something Foul

 **Update:** I've found the answer behind over-powered Naruto fics. They're easy to write. Honestly, creating combat scenarios against opponents who won't die to a punch makes writing Naruto immensely difficult. Because if he only had one jutsu to spam…

* * *

There was a mighty crash followed by an equally powerful burst of smoke. The dust kicked up by something immense landing spread out like a ring; it caved in when the winds buffeted a stone wall.

The wall shone like a bulwark, and the kanji inscribed on it was arguably stronger: Iwagakure.

Two men dropped from the back of a toad, and landed gracefully. It was only natural for shinobi of their calibre. Their hair flowed with the wind, competing with the other in a contest for spikiness.

"Are you sure about this Minato?" Jiraiya asked. He was confident in his prowess as a ninja, but entering a hostile hidden village was too much for even him.

"Of course sensei. We'll be fine," Minato replied confidently.

Jiraiya shrugged helplessly; Minato did what Minato did. What did worry him was the poorly concealed rage that leaked from his student. Typically, his acting skills were beyond reproach. Right now though, small bursts of killing intent leaked from him sporadically; they were powerful enough to freeze even him, the Mighty Jiraiya, in his tracks.

"Do we have to walk through the front door?" Jiraiya pleaded, despite having hashed out this detail from atop a toad.

Minato didn't answer; he was already most of the way through their front gate. Imperiously, he strolled past the gate guards like they didn't exist.

"Shit, it's the Hokage! What are we going to do?" one of them asked to the other.

"I'll send a message to Sandaime-sama, he has to-" he was abruptly silenced

Both of the gate guards passed out from the small burst of fury that blasted out from his student. They fell to the ground in a heap, collapsed haphazardly atop the other.

Jiraiya tentatively followed his student inside Iwagakure, taking courage from his confidence. Because he was all for revenge, but going this far for Obito and Rin was a little bit too much. He just hoped Kiri wasn't next on the list.

Minato had already gathered a crowd from his entry. They congregated around him like water filling a basin. However, at ten meters there was a circle; it was formed perfectly, and Jiraiya quashed the urge to see exactly how uniform it was.

The Yondaime Hokage continued walking forward unceasing. The crowd parted like the waters of the Red Sea, held aloft and straining to look higher in order to catch a glimpse of the Hokage. His robes curled gracefully in the wind, and the silence was so palpable it could be tasted, despite the crowd.

The crowd stopped splitting at three individuals, but they did form a ring around them like it was a schoolyard fight. A petty childhood squabble between some of the most powerful men alive.

Jinchuuriki of Five, Han. Jinchuuriki of Four, Roshi. The Nidaime Tsuchikage, Mu. Three S-ranked shinobi.

The Sandaime Tsuchikage, the ruling one, was somewhere presumably. As it was, the Nidaime Tsuchikage was immensely old. Perhaps sensei would be like him in fifteen years?

Jiraiya knew this was a bad idea, and restrained himself from muttering "I told you so" to Minato. Two Jinchuriki and two kages was such an awful idea that he wanted to hightail it out of there with Hiraishin immediately.

"Where is the Tsuchikage?" Minato demanded without preamble. The Toad Sage wanted to leave, so immensely bad was this plan.

Mu inclined his head respectfully. "He is not available right now Hokage-sama. He has given me leave to speak on his behalf."

"I have come for Iwagakure's unconditional surrender."

There was a very heavy silence.

 _Geez Minato, show some tact…_

"I'm-I'm sorry?" Even the unflappable and unfailingly polite Nidaime was shocked silent by the Yondaime's brazen declaration,

"I have come for Iwagakure's unconditional surrender."

Mu seemed prepared to reply this time. "I'm afraid that won't be possible. My apologies, Hokage-sama."

Minato mechanically nodded his head. "Then we are at war?"

"It seems so," the Nidaime Tsuchikage concurred.

"So it has come to my second point. I will take Iwagakure's unconditional surrender immediately."

 _Geez Minato! Have mercy on my heart!_ What on earth was his student doing?!

"I see."

Mu flipped through handseals at a blinding pace. He was clearly following shinobi rule number seven: always be the aggressor.

A blast of molecular disassembly burst from the Nidaime's palms. Han and Roshi prepared for their own follow up jutsu, the crowd around them stirred restless.

 _Move Minato!_ Jiraiya wanted to shout, but was too shellshocked to do so. Having the Hiraishin was no excuse for letting such a lethal jutsu to get that close to him. He mentally berated his student's dramatics before his eyes were drawn to his students yellow hair as it shifted slightly with a wisp of sound.

In a moment, the world shifted.

There was a noticeable pause, lack of motion, and lack of lethal _dust release_.

The crowd around them, and the three shinobi in front of them, all collapsed: blood spouting from their necks as one. Perhaps that was just him, the Gallant Toad Sage, being dramatic, it was only about half of the crowd.

Minato spun on his heel and strode out of Iwagakure, robes still billowing like a curtain swayed by the breeze.

"Minato… what?" Jiraiya asked as he stumbled forward to keep pace with his student.

The Yondaime Hokage turned to his sensei with an easy smile. "And you thought I couldn't do it sensei. I even got my unconditional surrender too…"

"What… I- Minato, just what happened?" Jiraiya never thought Minato's normally reassuring smile had ever looked so demonic. Despite what apparently had happened, the Yondaime Hokage didn't have a fleck of blood on him.

"What should I tell everyone? Bridges are always dramatic, right sensei?"

* * *

Naruto was an idiot, but even he could learn. He was certain that if he spoke up regarding his boredom something awful would happen to him. Sensei had gotten this malicious glint in his eye shortly after gifting him with a heap of porn, Sakura was even more swift to knock his lights out (somehow), and Sasuke…

Somehow the bastard had mellowed out. He didn't even want to know how.

That was a lie. He was simply quite assured with the knowledge that if he spoke, he might wake floating down a river with several kunai embedded into his chest (if he woke up at all).

But looking at the scenery had gotten boring again, his teammates were being quiet, and Tazuna was even more drunk than he was before. Were they supposed to protect him from injuries sustained from falling on an escort mission? He was stumbling and hiccuping more than he was walking.

Whatever.

Naruto looked at the trees, which looked the same as Konoha. He looked at the dirt road, which looked the same as the past few days. Finally, he looked at Sakura, but her glare promised immediate retribution if he continued. He stopped.

The bastard was glaring at him; this time, he actually didn't want to know why.

 _Argh!_ Naruto screamed in his head. Everything was so boring!

" _It will also prevent you from being bored,"_ Kakashi's dismissive words echoed in his head. Naruto glanced down at the Icha Icha novel he was still carrying. He didn't want to read porn like the washed out pervert, but he was so bored…

Well, it was written by a legendary shinobi, maybe he left some tips? It's not like it could hurt…

Naruto flipped open the porn and continued where he left off. In moments he was so engrossed that he missed Sakura's brief burst of killing intent.

The blonde genin also missed Kakashi's proud eye-smile and Sasuke's look of interest.

Team Seven continued walking in silence. Presumably, their destination was close: the fog got heavier with each step. It whispered and glided up their legs like smoke rising from a chimney.

Naruto didn't even notice until the fog grew thick to the point where he couldn't read. He shook the slightly soggy book, hoping that the fog might be brushed away. The fog defiantly remained.

"Sensei," he said in a whisper, because that's what you did in fog. "I can't read my book anymore," Naruto complained.

He couldn't see very well, but it looked like everyone else on his team ate something sour all at once. Naruto couldn't understand them at all.

"We're close to Wave country," Kakashi explained. "But, you should know that mist is a common strategy from Kirigakure."

There was going to be a ninja fight! That was fine; he'd be quiet. He might scare away the other shinobi with his awesomeness if he didn't hide it.

"How are we supposed to cross the water?"

That would suck.

"Well, I haven't taught you water walking. Perhaps there's a boat nearby?"

"Yeah, we've got one lying around, just a moment."

He wondered what techniques those Kiri guys might have. It was probably awesome water jutsu that summoned rain, flash floods, and tsunamis. So how would he beat those techniques?

"That old thing?"

"Unless you can walk on water, this is all we've got."

"Actually… nevermind."

"Fine…"

"Naruto, get in the boat," someone whispered; he allowed himself to be herded, to engrossed in his imagination to do otherwise.

Would Kakashi-sensei use some awesome jutsu to beat them? What jutsu did he use anyways? Damn it! He had the bingo book a while ago, he could've found out then…

Damn it!

"Shh! We don't want to be discovered."

"I-I… fine…"

All he knew was Kakashi could use _Henge, Kawarimi,_ and that one stupid _Leaf Secret Taijutsu_. That wasn't any way to fight powerful shinobi! You dropped mountains on them, summoned stupidly powerful anthropomorphic summons, and called down meteors of fire like The Sage did.

You didn't… stick your fingers up the other guy's butt… did you?

"Sensei? The mist is even thicker now…"

"Get down!"

Wait… wait…. His awesome sense was tingling! Naruto leapt into the air, channelling as much chakra to his legs as possible.

A massive (totally cool) sword flew underneath him, and embedded into a nearby tree, nearly cutting through the rather large trunk.

There was a flash of movement from above him, as a massive raindrop came down from the heavens. It impacted his face on the way down and he came crashing to the ground.

Peeling himself off the ground (he had practice), he was just in time to notice the raindrop hit the hilt of the sword. It exploded in a torrent of water, like a boulder being dropped into a lake. The water cleared to expose a man standing shirtless on the hilt of the sword.

That! That was awesome! That was how shinobi were supposed to fight! Awesome entrances, flashy techniques, and cool poses!

"Whoa…" he murmured reverently. It was also important to show appreciation for cool techniques, that was the entire point of having a genin team.

Naruto knew if he had a genin team they were supposed to make appreciative noises after every cool jutsu. It was too bad Kakashi-sensei didn't show any cool jutsu…

"Momochi Zabuza," Kakashi stated, his tone grave. He quickly slid his makeshift eyepatch upwards revealing a spinning red iris.

"Hatake Kakashi," he intoned. Zabuza crouched and swung below his blade, removing it from the tree and hefting it over his shoulder in one flawless transition. "It looks like you've been given a peanut gallery."

Kakashi drew two kunai from his hip pouch (fanny pack?), and held one in each hand. "It's too bad only one knows how to act the part…" he mused.

"You could always pull a Momochi Zabuza," the man suggested, hefting his sword into a ready position.

"Tempting, at times."

With a flash of motion both shinobi disappeared and reappeared, kunai crossed into an 'X' with the cleaver pressed between them. The gigantic broadsword pressing down between the blades with superior leverage. They disappeared again.

Naruto bemoaned his own sucky ninja skills; he couldn't keep track of them!

Clashes of steel on steel, a bright sound much like a bell, were broken by the jagged sound of scraping and pulling. Occasionally, he could hear heavy impacts made on the dirt muffled by the mist.

It was creepy; combat in mist did not sound like a fight. It seemed like something immense was pressing down and stifling them. Turning his head to the right, he noticed Sasuke and Sakura listening with the same intensity he was. They stood stiff with beads of sweat trickling down their brows.

Sometimes Kakashi and Zabuza paused, kunai and blade locked together in trees, ground, and- this latest time- the water.

The zanbatou's superior weight was slowly pushing the kunai down to Kakashi's neck, and-much like arm wrestling-it accelerated faster the closer it got to sensei.

A drop of sweat slipped from the pervert. He immediately slipped into the water, and Zabuza stumbled with the sudden lack of resistance. Kakashi immediately popped up with a devastating kick to Momochi's chin, popping him into the air.

His sensei immediately followed his opponent into the air, coming directly behind him at the apex of their flight. With a quick grip on the shoulders, a twist of motion, and a brutal axe kick, Zabuza was sent hurtling toward the ground.

He landed with a heavy impact, kicking up dirt and small vegetation from the landing. The cloud of debris obscured what happened, but the dust slowly settled to reveal Momochi Zabuza standing. He wiped a small trickle of blood from his chin, and chuckled.

"Ah, I haven't had a fight like this in ages. _Kirigakure no jutsu_ ,"

The small tendrils of mist obscuring the ground spread upwards like a fire suddenly given gasoline. The fog rose up and grew thicker until Naruto struggled to breathe and couldn't see anything but the hazy white wisps of mist.

He could see one mesmerizing, baleful red eye as it spun, twisted, and entranced. And then there was the silhouette of the heavy zanbatou, looming like the shinigami's shadow.

The fight turned into clashes of steel, moving from behind him, above him, and in front of him. Naruto remained untouched, but the eerie sound of muffled metal meeting was enough to send a shiver down his spine.

 _Could sensei even save me if this Zabuza guy wanted me dead? Would sensei even be able to save himself?_

The speed and direction of the clashes made the answer seem to be a resounding 'no'.

The sound of steel clashing directly behind his neck made Naruto freeze. He felt the heat of something on the back of his calve, and could feel warm cloth rustling up and down his back like a spider hitching a ride.

In another moment that feeling disappeared, leaving him wondering if it was all his imagination.

The chilling sound of metal meeting itself at high speeds sent a chill down Naruto's spine. Now that he felt that warmth, and brush against Death's door, the ringing felt much more real: more frightening. It was no longer two awesome ninja having a fight, but a struggle between life and death.

His sensei was fighting with one foot in the grave. Sensei could die. And then he would die.

Was this what being a ninja really meant?

The odd rhythm of pinging blades stopped abruptly; and, with the heavy mist swirling in his lungs the silence was much more palpable.

Zabuza laughed, and Naruto knew somewhere that dead bones were rattling as the people he killed all turned in their grave as one. "That old Hyuuga trick? And you almost got me without your vision. You're dangerous Hatake."

A rustle of motion occurred; it was impossible to know what happened with the thick mist muffling all sound.

There was the sound of a child jumping into a puddle, and then silence.

The next moment the mist cleared. Kakashi-sensei was bound by tendrils of water slithering around him, jellyfish tentacles with their trapped prey.

"You put up a good fight Hatake," Zabuza grinned, blood coating his teeth. "Now it's just your genin left, and you know I eat those for breakfast."

Kakashi-sensei glared. "It's lunch."

Momochi chortled darkly. "That works too. Haku! Disable them!"

A flash of steel flew through the air, and Naruto quickly dove and rolled up. A trio of senbon were scattered across the dirt where he was. A quick check of his surroundings showed Sasuke falling, seven deadly needles littering his back. Sakura slumped to the ground, just two of the senbon embedded into her neck.

 _I'm only standing because he aimed at Sasuke first, and then Sakura, otherwise…_

Otherwise it would be him, lying motionless on the ground. They weren't dead, right? Sasuke was too valuable.

Even under stress it was difficult to admit that.

It was just him. It looked like Zabuza had to stand next to the ever-shifting water prison that kept Kakashi-sensei contained, so his opponent was this "Haku". He had dark colored clothing just slightly taller than him, with a mask with an intimidating visage pasted onto it.

 _It's just me._ Naruto thought as he drew a kunai.

Just as the enemy shinobi was about to cast another barrage of needles he froze, scanning the area quickly. There was a small breeze; it was warm. That would be impossible unless something truly of titanic proportions was breathing down on them.

Naruto heard faint voices and the feeling of overbearing amounts of chakra. Gravity seemed to increase every second, and he struggled to stay standing.

"No! Don't… we… mission…" he heard faintly

"But!... Art… Explosion!" was what another voice replied.

It was as if time stopped for a moment. Naruto acknowledged the shinobi who disabled his teammates, Momochi Zabuza standing with a look of slight confusion, his sensei with his sharingan blocked by his eyelids, and his teammates resting on the ground lifelessly.

The next moment, the lake was overturned. It was like a dormant volcano; the surface was calm one second, and the next there was an eruption that shook the heavens. A torrent of water, an actual tsunami, washed over them. It came down like an avalanche, a purge to wipe away life.

It bared down on him. Everything went dark as the water blotted out the sun.

Just as the water was about to impact him, it's shadow looming like the shinigami, he saw a flash of silver as he closed his eyes.

The jinchuuriki felt like barfing. The sensation was immediate and felt like being gripped by the stomach and pulled a mile to the right in the fraction of a second.

Naruto heaved as he opened his eyes to see that he wasn't crushed by the wall of water.

"Ne Naruto-chan, are you alright?" Kakashi-sensei asked.

But, the water, that feeling of death, was not so easily dismissed from Naruto's mind. "What… what happened?" he asked as he breathed greedy gulps of air. He pulled himself onto his hands and knees as he panted into the earth.

There was a pause, and Naruto was certain that his sensei was eye-smiling. He kinda wanted to see how that looked like with one sharingan open. "I saved you, of course. Maybe if you had your eyes open you would have seen it."

So, that feeling was him being whisked away? Naruto could believe it. His sensei moved at speeds too fast to follow in the fight with Zabuza, so saving him in a moment wasn't too farfetched. "O-okay."

Naruto regained his bearings and noticed his two unconscious teammates next to him. "Are they alive?" he asked desperately.

"Yes," Kakashi-sensei replied flippantly. "Sasuke-kun is too valuable alive, and Sakura-chan was treated the same. Probably to pry out compliance from Sasuke-kun…"

His sensei turned his mismatched gaze onto him. "You'll be fine on your own for a bit, right Naruto?"

He nodded, completely unsure. "Y-yeah," he lied.

The one-eye-smile was even weirder since there was one hypnotizing ruby eye still open. "Well, someone's sensed my party trick. I think I'm going to fight. I'll see if I can get an extra one for you," he promised.

There was a moment when Kakashi was staring (proudly?) at him, and the next he vanished.

"Kakashi-sensei is fast," Naruto observed.

He turned his gaze onto the super-powered fighting miles away. Powerful explosions he could feel, massive jutsu's that looked small, and this continuous stream of something shiny moving and glinting fluidly from one spot to the next.

Trees were ripped apart, the earth was upended over and over again, and loud clashes of powerful jutsu meeting were heard over and over again. It was a shinobi fight at its coolest. Just an hour ago he would've felt electric vibration running down his spine at the idea of this awesome of a fight.

Now he was just worried for Kakashi-sensei as he remembered that chilling sensation from earlier.

"Hey, it's the Kyuubi fucker!" a voice to his side shouted.

Naruto whirled to his right, and came up ready for a fight. The man who addressed him was tall, muscular, and carried a huge scythe. He had a black cloak with red clouds printed on it, and carried the presence of something nasty that Naruto wanted away from. It tickled at his senses like the foul smell of garbage and loathsome sight of dead flesh devoured by scavengers.

Hanging from his scythe, impaled in three places, was Momochi Zabuza. The blades pointed out of his chest, and the weapon was clearly still dangerous.

Senbon were being pushed out of him like some odd slot machine. The shinobi that had disabled his teammates was attacking the intimidating man, littering his body with senbon that were removed seconds later.

The gray-haired man ignored Haku's attempts to kill him.

With a burst of speed that should've been impossible with a huge scythe (+1 corpse) the man slashed at Naruto's right arm.

A massive arm of ice had caught the tri-bladed weapon and stopped it in its path. The air was cold, as frost coated over the low mist sprinkling the air with shiny crystals.

"Argh! I'll deal with you next, asshole!" the, decidedly evil looking, man declared.

He ripped the scythe out of the ice construct with enviable ease, but before he could Naruto experience an awful sense of vertigo that he associated with being spirited away. It didn't have that awful "miles in a second" feeling that Kakashi-sensei's had, but was still terrible.

The sensation stopped in the middle of a forest, it's appearance nearly the same as the one he'd just left. The mist was slightly thinner, but it still caressed his legs with a million small touches.

"That man…" the masked ninja mused. "He isn't fully human."

"You felt it too?" Naruto asked. That terrible presence that loomed behind the man. Something foul that felt like maggots skittering up and down a rotting corpse.

Haku nodded. "I blew his torso apart, and it reformed seconds later. That's simply… not human."

That. That was why Naruto was quickly disillusioned with ninja battles: blowing people's chests apart, and crazy people that could survive it.

"Argh! Get back here assholes!" the man felled a tree in between them and leapt over the stump kicking the falling trunk out of his way. The amount of strength that must've taken was absurd.

The tree landed just a few meters away from Naruto.

 _What, just what is he?_

The masked shinobi (partner?) was more prepared for that and quickly sped through hand seals before slamming his hands on the ground. The villain's (that sounded right) furious approach was halted when a spine of ice twice the size of himself rose from the dirt with the speed of a striking snake.

The gray-haired man was suspended a short distance from the ground with an oversized stalagmite of ice cleaving his body in two, blood dripping down the sculpture like a snow cone with cherry flavoring.

Naruto was about to see if he was dead when the villain twisted free and stepped off the icicle that cleaved his body in two, his body miraculously intact.

 _Wh-what? But he was split in two?!_ Naruto thought, fear seeping through his blood.

"Alright you fuckers, that actually hurt a bit," he ground out lowly. "I'll spill your blood for my glorious Jashin-sama!" he raised his scythe with the same shocking speed, and whirled it around to bisect them at the waist.

Naruto's eyes met the Haku's mask. He felt that lilting sense of vertigo once more as he was whisked away, but this time he didn't even lose his balance. Naruto was quickly getting used to it.

He spent a moment to calm down. The cultist had this presence that sent this icy feeling of unease through his veins: frozen spikes of pain that increased with his panicking heart rate.

All the same, he had the beginnings of a plan forming in his head. He just needed a little bit more information to see if it would work.

"He's not very smart is he?" Naruto asked.

"No, but I'm bleeding and you have… a presence. He can track us," he replied, immediately cottoning onto Naruto's thought process.

Naruto internalized the information and finalized his plan. "I've got it."

He readied himself and tapped into his well of chakra. " _Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!_ "

One hundred clones materialized from the heavy shadows of the forest, flickering from nothing and forming the smug smile of the jinchuuriki with a plan.

" _Henge!"_ half of the clones shouted as they copied the image of the masked shinobi with a burst of smoke.

"I fail to see how-" Haku stopped speaking when Naruto drew a kunai and nearly severed his hand from his wrist, blood dripping from his wrist and flowing freely onto his palm.

The clones who still looked like Naruto all formed a line, and tagged him out. Naruto's blood was spread over the palm of each clone that was formed.

The line that looked like the masked shinobi were looking expectantly at him.

"How clever," he murmured as he sliced his palm with a kunai made of ice.

The clones quickly filed through as they paired off in groups of two to hide somewhere in the forest. The masked shinobi proceeded to bandage his palm with supplies from his hip pouch as Naruto watched his wound close over with a hint of red chakra lining the edge of the cut.

"You are not a sensor?" the shinobi asked, his voice sounding oddly feminine.

Naruto had no clue how the ninja arrived at that conclusion, but it was true enough.

"No," he confirmed.

"Your clones will be discovered, but fifty pairs should buy us enough time to prepare. We can avoid him because I'm a decent sensor."

Naruto looked curiously at the masked ninja. "What's the plan?"

There was a pause as Haku seemingly pondered the question, but the mask made it difficult to tell."The only way to defeat him is to bury him. There is a suitable location along the coast."

The masked ninja packed away his small medical supplies and started running at a swift pace, obviously expecting Naruto to follow.

"Weirdo," Naruto muttered as he took to the trees. There was a reason Konoha shinobi did so whenever able. All the same it took a brutal pace to follow his swift partner.

* * *

 _Perhaps_ , Kakashi mused, _taking on three S-ranked shinobi was a mistake_.

He idly dodged a conflagration of flames that came from Kakuzu, and threw a kunai with lightning laced into it into an explosive construct. A burst of lightning flowed into scraps of iron from his fingers, that disrupted the flow of chakra enough for him to reposition himself into a location where he couldn't be buried without friendly fire.

That was behind Deidara. Hiding behind a puppet of the Sandaime Kazekage would be counterproductive; Kakuzu was the expert on friendly fire, killing several prior partners; and Deidara was the least dangerous of the three to a single shinobi.

Kakashi also wanted him dead the most, because as an individual he was the greatest threat to Konoha.

Kakuzu let out a burst of lightning at Kakashi, and because he was behind the Iwa missing nin, Deidara had to throw out some clay to stop himself from getting paralyzed. A huge explosion rocked the area with the power of a magnitude seven earthquake released in a moment.

 _I wish I could spam S-ranked jutsu like that_ , Kakashi whined in his head. A little known fact was that most ninja never truly grew out of their "awesome jutsu" phase that Naruto was currently in. They just hid it better.

 _S-ranked ninja,_ he thought with a snort. Sasori was now channelling his own lightning chakra into the sand to prevent a loss of control. Kakashi noticed Kakuzu preparing a wind jutsu, and Deidara was creating a bird construct.

 _No flight_ , he thought, his mental voice sounding like a parent who denied their child candy. _Itachi is bad enough._

He lobbed a kunai at the former bomb core member, and the ninja deflected it with his own kunai, shooting Kakashi a look that screamed "what were you hoping to accomplish?".

Trapped between the Kazekage's iron flecks, and Kakuzu's overpowered jutsu he locked onto the chakra in the kunai. He jumped, contorting his body midair into an odd position with a kunai clasped between his palms. He looked like a diver ready to make impact with the water. He molded the chakra to match the seal in his foot.

 _Deidara shuddered from the sudden intrusion of a kunai where his heart was as his internal organs were lethally repositioned. With one last gasp he started to fall over as his control over his construct failed, his chakra fading from the world._

Deidara shuddered from the sudden intrusion of a kunai where his heart was as his internal organs were lethally repositioned. With one last gasp he started to fall over as his control over his construct failed, his chakra fading from the world.

 _Damn, the sharingan reacts with_ Hiraishin _oddly_ , Kakashi thought as he detached his foot from the tri-pronged kunai. They iron sand and wind jutsu clashing with the sound of a tornado tearing through glass.

"I thought I felt the _Hiraishin_ …" Kakuzu muttered to himself. "But you're no Yondaime Hokage."

The old mercenary's jiongu hearts spread out like a pentagon around Kakashi, as a blanket of iron descended from above and below. The odd kabuki masks attached to the shadows opened their mouths to reveal the colors of four elements.

Five S-rank jutsu spat from the hearts and Kakuzu as one, and Sasori's technique descended upon him like a clamp. From this position it was impossible to _Kawarimi_ or _Sunshin_. It was an impressive trap, and he had only one way out.

 _To mold all five elements through his chakra system at once, how impressive._ Kakashi mused, utterly unconcerned. _Well, he has had years of practice…_

The Last Hatake molded his chakra to match the lock the _Hiraishin_ presented, and focussed on the seal he planted up Naruto's butt. No doubt his silly student thought he performed _One Thousand Years of Death_ for shits and giggles.

Nope. He put a seal in the one place no one could look.

Genius.

And then he was gone.

* * *

Naruto crouched on the ground next to Haku. He was tired, but wasn't going to show it under any circumstance. Much less to a potential enemy.

The waves slowly lapped at the shore idyllically, the tide low. The long, slope-less beach continued from there, with lazy grains of sand shifting in the wind, until a massive pillar of sandstone jutted out. From there it looked like an hourglass showing how the tide cut and reformed the soft rock. The upper shelf jutted out impossibly far, untouched by even the largest of waves.

Their plan was to lure the cultist underneath the slab of stone and collapse the shelf of sandstone on top of him.

Their only problem was luring him underneath the plateau, as Haku assured Naruto that he had a jutsu strong enough to crack the shelf.

"I've got it!" Naruto shouted as an idea popped into his head. " _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_!"

He had formed three clones instead of the two that he wanted, and clone in the middle sighed before dispelling himself.

"I don't understand how this will work," Haku confessed.

"It's genius," Naruto confirmed with a sagely nod of his head. "Only you will wipe blood on the clone, and since it'll be different than the rest of the groups he'll be fooled."

In a puff of smoke one of the clones took on Haku's form, and his masked accomplished proceeded to carefully apply his blood to where injuries corresponded on his real body. After wiping a thin trail of blood on the clone's palm Zabuza's accomplice carefully rebandaged his palm.

"Alright, let's get into position."

Naruto directed his clones underneath the cliff, the shadow of the spire was small in the morning sun. He followed his partner around to the side where they could climb up.

Naruto looked up and blinked. It looked like he would climb up while Haku walked straight up the face of sandstone. He scowled in jealousy as he proceeded to make a series of impossible jumps up to the top.

 _Stupid cliffs_ , Naruto whined in his head as he pulled himself to the top. He really needed to learn how to walk up cliffs.

Because he wasn't doing that ever again. Having to dig his fingers into the smallest groves of stone as his sandalled feet tried to find purchase in the smooth sheet of rock was unpleasant. There was also this bubbling sensation in his gut after each jump and repositioning of a limb that was unpleasant.

It was unpleasant right? _Then why do I want to do it again?_

"Gagh!" he panted, feeling the need to voice his internal frustration. He was so confused.

Pulling himself up in order to ignore his mental confusion he moved next to Haku. The masked shinobi turned to face him for a moment before returning his attention back to the forest where the cultist was still rampaging. "You are rather impressive for a fresh genin," he complimented.

Where was this guy getting all of this information about him? Did he have a sign on his back that gave off all of his vital information or something?

Naruto stared skeptically at Haku's back. "Thanks."

He stood there awkwardly for a moment before he felt the presence of something appear out of nowhere behind him. Naruto whirled around and looked for that sudden presence he felt, but it disappeared the very moment he felt it.

Weirded out, and a little more wary than he was before, Naruto turned to face the forest.

He waited with baited anticipation as his imagination presented images of the plateau they were standing on collapsing on top of the villain, burying his foul presence forever.

"Argh!" Naruto heard faintly as the cultist finally burst from the trees. "There you fuckers are! Tempting me with those false bodies, you heathens! It will only make your sacrifices that much sweeter!"

He rushed underneath the cliff to murder two of Naruto's clones as Haku turned to him.

"By the way, I'm a girl."

"Hu-hwaaah!" Naruto shouted in surprise.

His surprise was ignored as Haku blurred through hand seals faster than Naruto could identify before slamming his palms onto the sandstone structure.

Frost poured from the pores in the rocks before the sound of gravel being walked on reverberated through the sky. A massive sheet of ice bisected the cliff in front of Naruto from the rest of the sandstone structure.

There was a stagnant moment where nothing changed, and the very next gravity had taken hold of the boulder as it dropped, scraping against the plane of ice.

Naruto rushed towards the new precipice, separated from the air by a thin layer of ice. He stared at the gigantic slab of sandstone tumble down the cliff.

The cultist appeared mid-air, conspicuously not underneath the boulder.

 _No!_ This was bad. Naruto knew that he didn't stand a chance against the foul-aura'd man, and Haku had doubtlessly exhausted his-her-chakra separating the shelf from the rest of the cliff.

"Hah, as if I'd fall for such an obvious trap, surprise fuck-" his gloating was cut off as he was batted underneath the stone once again.

 _What? What just happened?_

Because one moment the cultist was free and jumping out from underneath their trap, and the next he was flying underneath the boulder. It was like something-someone-had hit him ridiculously hard and fast, and then disappeared.

Complaining, Naruto knew, should be the last thing on his mind.

The slab of sandstone completed its journey to the beach below, and its momentum was halted as it impacted with the ground. The sand surged underneath the weight of the boulder; it sprayed like water flying away from a falling whale.

The only sound was the ebb of the waves and the gritty rain and rustle of sand.

"I guess, I guess we got him," Naruto stated as he turned back to Haku.

The form of his partner lay unmoving on the stone, breathing shallowly. The mask had fallen to the side to reveal a very feminine face without blood or color.

"H-Haku?!" Naruto shouted as what he saw sank in. "No, no, it's going to be fine."

He had heard of people dying from chakra exhaustion, but this was-this was..

 _No, no, no…_

He liked Haku, she didn't deserve to die.

She had just passed out like chakra exhaustion usually did. There was no way Haku put her life into that last jutsu.

Naruto unwillingly looked to the side as he examined the scope of that last jutsu. Maybe she-maybe…

Maybe Haku was really dying.

He didn't know why he was crying, but against all logic he had liked Haku. They had bonded together over getting chased down by an insane cultist, right?

 _Wa-wait? I'm-I'm crying?_ Naruto couldn't remember the last time he had cried; it didn't help chase away loneliness.

He turned his attention back to the pale and unmoving form of Haku. It seemed for just a moment that she had regained that spark of life in her eyes.

"Zabuza-sama, I've avenged you. I even buried you too…" she muttered weakly.

 _Dammit no!_

Why would she give her life up just because that scary Zabuza guy was dead? Did he mean that much to her?

The light that she had regained momentarily faded as quickly as it had came. A fleeting moment of lucidity in order to confirm her purpose complete.

Would she have lived if Naruto had lied, and said they failed? Would she have the willpower to carry on?

He didn't know the answer to that; Naruto didn't know much about Haku at all. But for some reason the idea that she was dead for such an empty purpose made him feel ill.

He looked at her face as she let out a withering sigh that sounded oddly content. She was so young, and pretty. Haku shouldn't have died like that when there was so much purpose left in her life.

Haku-she-she had…

Naruto turned away, unwilling to stand around her lifeless form anymore. He scaled down the cliff quickly, carrying none of the thrill it held earlier.

The boulder _she_ had dropped was halfway submerged in sand, and it was so still Naruto could've imagined it sat there for decades unmoving. The lack of foul language and presence finally convinced him that _Haku_ had completed her purpose.

She had her revenge; the cultist was buried.

Something bright lying on the sand attracted Naruto's attention. He walked to it, crouched down, and picked it up. It was a long strand of white hair. Perhaps sensei's gray hair was black and white hairs mixed together?

It burst into a small cloud of smoke the moment Naruto pinched it a little too hard.

 _A clone?_

"Naruto," Kakashi-sensei called. The blonde turned to stare at the form of his sensei with his two teammates tossed haphazardly over his right shoulder. "Let's go home. This mission is a failure."

One moment Naruto was standing on a beach at the place where Haku had died, waves lapping at the shore. The next he was staring at Konoha's walls, the Kanji for fire gleaming red.

* * *

"Sasori," Kakuzu called. The puppeteer whirled to face him with a flurry of creaking wood and clicking gears. The blank eyes bored into his. "I'm going into Wave. Rumors say Gato is here in person. A few billion ryo should make leader-sama more tolerant of failure."

There was no external reaction of the unnaturally still puppet, but Kakuzu knew the marionetteer understood. He walked away silently, smiling as he imagined the quivering form of Gato and the money he'd gift should he value his life.

Then, he'd kill the-now poor-man just because he could.

Sasori refocused his efforts with frightening intensity, fiddling with gears and mechanisms.

* * *

Tazuna slumped his head down at the bar as he finished the last line of his tale. "Then there wash lots of fightin', and the only word I'coul' think of was "Mealshtrom", so that'sh what I named the'e bridge."

Every other man in the bar, just as drunk as Tazuna, raised their voices in a drunken cheer for such a great tale. The moral of the story: always have alcohol when shinobi are around.

It turned into a fairly popular saying in short order.

* * *

 **Chapter 1 End.**

Honestly, this chapter was very difficult to write. Because Naruto was the focus character exclusively, the fight with Zabuza turned into the genin of team seven standing on the sidelines panicking.

I fixed the biggest plot hole in the wave arc, being that Haku should probably have attacked the genin while Zabuza had to maintain the water prison. With the element of surprise, and being just better than genin it would have been a very swift fight.

Here, Kakashi would have Hiraishin'ed out of the water prison once his genin were disabled and he had the element of surprise. But unfortunately the Akatsuki had to interfere. And yes, all of them are even more terrifying.

Especially Hidan, who has Deadpool levels (or perhaps above) regeneration. He still is stupid and arrogant though.

Leave a review if you want to be heard, but shoot me a PM if you want a reply.


	3. Get On With It!

Chapter 2 - Return to Konoha

 _It wasn't last Wednesday, but I have an update for this one. Enjoy!_

* * *

" _Look 'Dere-kun! We did it!"_

" _I thought I told you not to call me that," Madara groused, putting forward a token resistance solely because of habit. "But yes, we accomplished what we sought out to do."_

" _Hashi-tan thinks we should call this Konoha!" Senju Hashirama decided._

 _Senju Tobirama interjected. "But there are no trees Hashirama. We've built our village in The Great Plains of Hi no Kuni," he pointed out reasonably._

" _Mou, Hashi-tan knows that! But Tobi' doesn't want to because he's a bad boy!"_

 _Tobirama scowled at the predictable response, but said nothing._

" _Kusagakure sounds detestable," Uchiha Madara added. "But the fact does not change: there are no trees."_

" _Hashi-tan thinks you should stop being meanies…" the man-child stated, quickly falling into a faux depression. He bounced back up the next second. "We're calling this Konoha!" he decided firmly._

" _We've just talked about the lack of trees!" Tobirama exclaimed, unable to hold his silence any longer._

" _Mou, Tobi' is a bad boy! Watch Hashi-tan do this!"_

 _Senju Hashirama called up more chakra than what was in his body, the levels still growing. The ground beneath him groaned as gravity pulled several times harder. When Hashirama could hold the chakra no longer-_

 _He doubled it; the ground suddenly sunk several meters under the pressure._

 _And once more it was doubled._

 _And again._

 _And again._

 _And again._

 _Senju Hashirama glowed with power as he stood tall, unlike his two companions who were struggling to remain on their feet inside the crater the Shodaime Hokage created._

"Make 'Dere-kun jealous no Jutsu!"

 _The world shifted._

 _The trio stood atop a truly huge tree that sprouted from the crater, and The Great Plains of Hi no Kuni were no more._

 _In its place stood the Great Forest of Konohagakure._

Madara shook off his thoughts of happier times, times long past. That moment several decades ago where he thought he'd accomplished something.

They had dreamed too small, and too optimistically. They had too much faith in humanity, in peace.

Those same happy moments, from decades long past, still haunted him with his old beliefs.

That old, and dead, faith had quickly turned into cynicism, realism. Madara knew better now; the only thing humanity could be trusted with is the ability to betray his trust.

" _Mou, 'Dere-kun isn't very dere right now."_

 _Madara smiled, beneath all that childishness was a true shinobi. "I'm not," he confirmed. "I just don't think the creation of a hidden village will change anything."_

" _Hashi-tan knows it will change things. But Hashi-tan also thinks 'Dere-kun is silly, even someone as amazing as 'Dere-kun can't change everything in a day."_

" _So it won't be enough," Madara confirmed grimly._

" _Hashi-tan thinks 'Dere-kun is a good boy who tries too hard to make the world just as good."_

" _Is that wrong?" he asked rhetorically. "Is it wrong to want the best for everyone?"_

" _The Sage also thought like that, and he accomplished a lot. He made the world a much nicer place! But he made it just as bad, because good and bad are always equal."_

 _Madara smiled again, and decided to change the subject. "So when you say I'm a good boy?"_

" _Mou, 'Dere-kun figured it out," he pouted. "'Dere-kun is just as bad a boy as he is a good boy…"_

"How right you were, Hashirama," Madara mused to himself. Despite acting and playing the fool, he had met no one as perceptive as his best friend. Perhaps the man-child had envisioned his best friend putting the world into a genjutsu as well.

It was the flow of Yin and Yang that made him hesitate with his plan. If his plan was perfection, order, then there must be an equal amount of chaos to oppose him. An unstoppable, unpredictable force that would sweep aside all that stood in its way. A maelstrom, the perfect example of inexorable, unforeseeable chaos.

Something would oppose him in a way he would never predict, so it was useless to speculate. He would succeed or he would fail, there was no middle ground. All he could do was impose his will upon reality, and hope that he would succeed.

 _Hn,_ how infuriating.

" _Tobi' is teaching another 'Tobi?" Hashirama exclaimed aghast. "You're gonna teach him how to be a bad boy!" the man-child exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at his indignant younger brother._

" _I'm not a bad boy!" Tobirama roared in protest, batting aside his brother's finger._

" _Tobi' is a bad boy! You shouted and hurt me!" Hashirama exclaimed, cradling his finger like it was hurt._

" _I'm not a bad boy, you just- argh!" the younger brother screamed._

 _Madara smirked, it was always amusing to see how quickly the unflappably calm and rational Tobirama would lose his cool with his brother._

" _Tobi' is a bad boy! Tobi' is a bad boy!" Hashirama chanted in a sing-song voice. He deftly dodged his brother's angry pounce. "Only bad boys attack good boys like Hashi-tan!"_

 _Madara continued to smirk as he leaned against the massive treehouse that was in the center of the village. They had turned it into the Hokage's Tower because it had nice symbolism._

 _Well, Hashirama liked treehouses._

" _Are they always like that?" 'Tobi Hiruzen asked._

 _Madara turned his gaze to Tobirama's new genin. His smirk turned a shade darker as the small boy gulped in fear. He analyzed the Sarutobi clan's latest pride and joy. He nodded slowly in response._

' _Tobi looked away to calm himself. A prodigy in chakra molding he may be, but he clearly lacked the fortitude to maintain Uchiha Madara's gaze. He activated his sharingan in case the child turned back._

 _Hiruzen looked back only to meet the Uchiha's crimson gaze. Much to Madara's amusement the child jumped up in fear before his eyes rolled backwards. He would've collapsed onto the wood floor, but a trio of roots caught him before he could fall._

 _Madara smiled with dark amusement; he rather liked Tobirama's student._

The strongest Uchiha smiled behind his mask, lost in memories of happier times, and made himself comfortable behind several layers of genjutsu to listen to the Akatsuki's meeting.

They all filed in with their silly black cloaks swishing with cute red clouds stitched in. Hashirama would have declared that they were all bad boys on the spot.

"Report," Nagato demanded through Yahiko's body. Madara smiled in amusement, one of the man's greatest regrets was not knowing he could have immediately resurrected his orange-haired friend.

"The mission was a failure, Leader-sama," Kakuzu declared. "Contact with the kyuubi jinchuuriki was interrupted by Deidara, but made by Hidan. We were stopped by Hatake Kakashi who unveiled the _Hiraishin_ , and Hidan fell for a trap. Additionally, we have added about four billion ryo to the Akatsuki's accounts."

"Hey!" Hidan yelled, clearly in a foul mood. Probably because he was buried alive. "At least I didn't die like fucking stupid Deidara!"

Madara thought he was just trying to hard to squeeze bad language into every sentence. He'd determined long ago that foul language wasn't menacing in the slightest. He would know, as the expert of terror.

" _Mou, Hashi-tan thinks 'Dere-kun tries too hard. Apparently Hashi-tan is scary, but I don't know why…"_

Nagato turned his gaze to the form of Deidara that occupied a chair. The Iwa nin's lack of reaction was noticeable. "Sasori, take your puppet off the table," he commanded, as he slid the ring off the puppet's finger. With a negligent wave of his hand the puppet fell to the ground in a clatter of creaking wood and pings of steel.

" _Tobi' is a bad boy! He has his elbows on the table!"_

Akasuna no Sasori was quick to seal his Deidara puppet into a scroll, and sat straight in his seat like nothing else happened.

With a casual twitch of his finger, Pein (short for Nagato in Yahiko's body) shot the ring at him. It tore through the genjutsu he was using to hide his presence as well. Madara caught it deftly, an orange smile unseen.

 _A tree branch grew out of the table and flicked Tobirama on the head. As every eye swiveled towards Hashirama, he declared, "Hashi-tan didn't do it! It's because Tobi' is a bad boy!"_

"While Deidara's loss is lamentable, we have a new member to take his place." Pein announced, every word sounding like his supposed divinity.

Madara could've sworn he heard sarcasm in that statement.

 _Hn, whatever_ , Madara thought as he visibly slid the ring onto his finger. If he was going to take a name, face, and personality he was going to copy the second most terrifying person he knew.

The first was taken by the Yondaime Hokage; he was still hurting from that October 10th.

He'd copy Senju Hashirama, because Madara couldn't think of any better way to honor his dead friend. He also couldn't think of any better way to annoy people. _The power to drive people as composed as Senju Tobirama into instant rage_ , he mused, staring at Nagato and Konan. He was thinking of Itachi as well.

But, Madara was mostly doing this because his deceased best friend would detest him for what he was about to do. And being an asshole is the largest part of being a best friend.

"Helloooo, it's nice to meet you all-ya'll?-finally! Tobi is so excited to be here! Tobi is a good boy!" he exclaimed.

Madara could hear Senju Hashirama screaming in his grave.

* * *

"You're not just fast, are you sensei?" Naruto asked, staring in disbelief at Konoha's gates.

"Well, that's true, I suppose," sensei said, turning to him with an eye-smile. Somewhere, in all the confusion, Kakashi's forehead protector slumped over his right eye. Sakura and Sasuke were stacked over his shoulder, looking quite wiggly for unconscious people. "Don't tell anyone; it's a surprise."

"B-but, how can we be back at Konoha already?"

"Perhaps you're in a genjutsu," Kakashi-sensei suggested lightly.

"Well, maybe…" Naruto muttered, unwilling to scream 'Kai!' for his sensei. He was never the best at dispelling illusions anyways. "But still, one second we're there, and the next we're here! What type of jutsu are you using? Can I learn it?"

The pervert sighed lightly. "I might teach you the _Shunshin_ if you'd stop complaining. Or, I could drop you off at Wave and let you walk back?"

There was something dangerous in sensei's voice that made him freeze.

"N-no I, uh, I think I'm fine, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto stuttered. He had lots of practice taking back his statements when his academy bluster fell through. Really, what prompted him to brag that he could create water out of nothing like the Nidaime Hokage?

Right, Sasuke's smugly mug.

"Right," the man said with a hint of satisfaction. Kakashi-sensei walked with an easy lope, looking every bit the predator with prey dangling from his mouth, or rather his shoulders.

Naruto jogged for a few moments to match the taller's pace, sandalled feet digging into the sparse grass. Konoha's front gate was guarded by its two most regular keepers.

"Oh! Hey Hatake-san," Izumo called out. "Back already? The log says you were supposed to be out another week or two."

Sensei gave his trademark eye-smile as he stopped. "Well, you know how the first C-rank goes."

Kotetsu and Izumo shared a small chuckle before they stopped mid-breath. It was like they didn't find it funny anymore.

"So, what's with the passed out genin?" Kotetsu asked. Naruto was savvy enough to see the obvious subject change.

Kakashi-sensei paused for a few moments. "Well, you know teenagers. All of them perverts in the making. But I was just so proud of them, so I decided to carry them back."

His statement was punctuated by Izumo unveiling an Icha Icha book interspersed in the paperwork sensei handed them. The two chunin looked at each other before staring at the two genin, with entangled limbs, perched atop Kakashi's shoulders.

They broke into chortles. "Hey! Good on them," Kotetsu approved with a thumbs-up.

Sensei took his stamped and approved paperwork and proceeded to walk in the village. Into home. Konoha, where crazy dangerous battles with insane shinobi didn't happen (everyday). Naruto was glad to be back.

"Oi, brat. Follow Hatake-san," Izumo commanded.

Oh, right. He knew them by name because they were the ones who caught him every time he tried to escape the village. Naruto remembered one day where he tried to bolt seventeen times before they gave up and tossed him to an ANBU. It was that weird one with purple hair who was always nice to him.

"Did you hear us you dumb blonde? Get a move on!" Kotetsu commanded.

Sheesh. He did walk through the gates at a quick trot, though; he didn't want to lose sensei.

"Don't let a Yamanaka hear you say that," Izumo warned.

Kotetsu snorted before freezing. "Wait, we didn't get any of their mission details."

"Dammit! What are we going to tell the gossip mongers now?"

Their voices were cut off as Naruto turned a corner. He spotted his sensei's silver hair that stood out like a beacon, at least a head taller than the next tallest person on the street. Ducking and weaving through the crowd, Naruto caught up with his sensei.

It was still before noon, so naturally Konoha was very busy. Teams of shinobi going to receive missions, report them, and carry them out made the bulk of the crowd. Civilian shopkeepers preyed upon the crowds of ninja, hustling them into stores and harassing them into buying wares.

"Where are we going, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked as he fell in line with his instructor.

"We're going to report to the Hokage, Naruto-chan," sensei replied smoothly. The shinobi around them gave a wide berth; it made team seven exceptionally conspicuous. Naruto thought it was because Kakashi was so tall, and had two passengers as well.

"How does jiji have time for every shinobi?" Naruto wondered out loud. They had passed at least a couple hundred shinobi on their short walk already.

He wasn't really expecting an answer, but sensei gave one regardless. "He doesn't. Pregnant kunoichi, disabled shinobi, and retired ninja do most of the desk work and mission assignments. Teams Seven, Eight, Nine, and Ten are all special cases that report to the Hokage directly."

Well, that kind of made sense. Team Eight and Ten were made exclusively out of clan ninja; Naruto knew that because they refused to share any of their cool jutsu when he'd asked years ago.

He hadn't heard about Team Nine, but, "How come we report to the Big Hat?" Their team wasn't anything too special, right?

Kakashi turned to him with an eye-smile as they stopped; the unlucky team assigned to catch Tora blitzed across the street. "Sasuke-kun is the last Uchiha, and Sakura's parents are loaded. Your connection with the Hokage is just a happy coincidence."

Naruto scowled; there was no way he was the least important person on their team. Otherwise he would've been knocked out by Haku's senbon like his two teammates.

Haku who died just a few-

There was a cheer from all of the shinobi at the front of the crowd. Each of them loudly showing their approval as the wily cat was brought to Madame Shinji's bruising grip once again.

"Aren't you supposed to be some kind of bigshot too?" Naruto asked in an accusing tone of voice.

"Well, yes. But I'm humble and benevolent, so I don't even notice it most of the time."

Naruto looked at the shadows of a nearby building suspiciously. He could have sworn that he heard someone snort. It was probably someone else in the crowd though.

"Yeah, I'm not buying that sensei. You're just an asshole."

Tripping over nothing, Naruto felt his face make impact with the asphalt road. He scraped himself off with well-practiced ease as he wondered why he kept tripping ever since he got out of the academy. It didn't help that most of the jounin were chuckling at him.

 _Sage, why do all of the villagers like to see me hurt,_ Naruto whined in his head. Why was he happy to be back again?

They turned another corner as the view of the Hokage's Tower came into view. It was a massive tree planted directly in the center of the village, as its leaves covered large swaths of land in oval shaped shadows. From where they were at, it was just a straight line to the door.

"My Esteemed Rival!"a loud boisterous voice boomed as they were immediately identified after turning the corner. "You have returned!"

Since when was Kakashi-sensei reading his Icha Icha book? Didn't he leave it with Izumo and Kotetsu at the gate? "Hmm, did you hear something Naruto-chan?"

He turned to face the man who was-most likely-greeting his sensei. It was a well built man with rippling muscles whose height matched the pervert's. The lime green, spandex tracksuit was hideous, but it outlined each abdominal muscle larger than Naruto's legs. His hair was a glossy black in the shape of a helmet, and light pinged off of his perfectly white teeth. Naruto lifted his porn novel (when did that get in his hands?) in order to shield himself from the reflection of the man.

Somewhat comically, women stopped to stare before their eyes met his face.

As the light abruptly stopped when they walked underneath the shade of a ginormous branch, Naruto turned to face his sensei, porn book still in both hands. _Why can't I let go of it anyways?_ he wondered. "How could you miss him?"

Sensei turned his head to look at his student before drifting his gaze over to the bodybuilder. "Hm, oh hello Gai. It seems that I nearly missed you."

The odd man, Gai, clutched at his heart like he'd been stabbed. Tears flowed from his face at an absurd rate. With one melodramatic twitch of his neck the tears were flung from his face like crystals of ice that glittered in the light; they somehow caught under the shade.

 _It kinda reminds me of-_

"Gagh!" he cried, his voice garbling like blood filled his lungs. "So Hip! So Cool! I must Ignite my Flames of Youth further in order to melt my Esteemed Rival's Frosty Exterior!" he declared, words reverberating through the streets and rattling windows.

The teardrops made the sound of a wind chime as they splashed onto the paved road. The shinobi and civilians moved around them like they were a clot in the artery of people. Just your regular group that clogged the walkways.

Kakashi-sensei was unperturbed. "I haven't seen you in a while Gai. How have you been?"

Gai's expression contorted into an expression that could only be described as aghast. "But I-But I wished you Luck on your mission… that you left for just four days ago…" He bounced back the very next moment, flames pouring from his eye sockets, licking at sensei's smut. "Yosh! Then I must become as the sun! So Bright, Hot, and Youthful that none may stand next to me without their Youth Burning Brightly as well!"

"Gai-sensei!" a voice behind the odd man. Naruto moved his head to look at the student.

 _He had a clone?_ Naruto had heard whispers of what that Orochimaru guy did while he was inside Konoha, but no one had ever mentioned defective clones.

The smaller clone continued. "That was beautiful, your Passion has Ignited my own!" he declared, fist clenched. Tears swam down his face too, but they didn't glitter or sound like chimes either.

Wait, that was Rock Lee who used to be in his class. He was perfectly normal then but apparently…

That was contagious.

"Kakashi! I see you students were not up to the challenge of a C-rank mission!" Gai declared, and there was something in his demeanor that told Naruto he was going to immediately start gloating.

Sensei waved off the boisterous shouting with a small wave of his book."Maa maa, you've got it all wrong Gai-san. My cute, not-so-little students simply weren't up to the aftereffects of penetration."

Gai had gasped and regained his horrified facial expression. "G-Gai-san? Does our bond mean so little? And the blonde haired clone? The spreading of perversion? You…" the spandex wearing man trailed off, crestfallen.

 _Wait, clone?_ Naruto just noticed that his forehead protector had slipped over his right eye. And then there was that perverted, misleading statement that sensei had made. They had been littered with senbon, not doing anything nasty.

Because he'd win over Sakura someday. It didn't matter if she had a crush on Sasuke, right? She'd come to-

Naruto tried to turn his eye patch back into a headband, but it was rather difficult with his fingers stuck to some stupid porn novel. He found himself pawing at his face like a grooming cat.

Kakashi continued. "Ah, well, it's been nice but I'm afraid that we must report to the Hokage. Maybe we'll run across each other again Gai-san."

Both of the spandex wearing weirdos were flabbergasted as sensei stepped through the doors, bypassing their loud response. Naruto was quick to follow. Maybe now that he was inside he could move his fore-

It was already on tied around his forehead, and the smut he was holding was noticeably absent. Weird.

"Don't worry about Gai, Naruto-chan. It's just a game we play," Kakashi-sensei dismissed. Naruto blinked; how did sensei know what he was going to ask?

"So now you drop the 'san'?" Naruto accused. "You really are just a gigantic asshole-"

Naruto peeled himself off of the wooden floor. It was softer than it looked, and his face didn't hurt at all. Weird. Although, it was still annoying; why was he so clumsy lately?

"Watch your language Naruto-chan," Kakashi ordered lazily. He turned his lone eye onto his student for a brief moment.. "And your step."

They moved up the stairs to the Hokage's office easily. The spiral staircase that lead to the top long. Sensei's long legs took the steps four at a time with no trouble, while he was stuck running to keep up.

It was the ninth floor, where the trunk of the tree crested into numerous smaller branches, that held the Hokage's office. A short walk forward held the desk of jiji's secretary. A beautiful woman with green hair, orange eyes, and…

 _I'm not a pervert,_ Naruto lied to to himself. Her most noticeable feature(s) were the enormous breasts that she bore. _How has her spine not snapped?_ Naruto idly wondered as his eyes wandered over the large tracts of exposed flesh, despite his best efforts to look away.

Somehow Kakashi, the pervert, was unfazed by the voluptuous woman, somehow. "Is the Hokage available right now, Iruka?"

 _I-Iruka?_

The woman disappeared in a flash of smoke to reveal the sheepishly grinning figure of Iruka-sensei. "I guess there's no fooling you Hatake-san," Iruka admitted with a shy smile.

Naruto was ecstatic to see Iruka-sensei, but his cheeks flushed red. He had fallen to his own _Orioke no Jutsu_ , the same one which he constantly pulled on the tanned-chunin in the academy! He'd lost all bragging rights!

"It's good to see you too Naruto-kun. We can catch up later," Iruka continued with a smug grin. Oh yes, he certainly hadn't forgotten falling for the _Orioke no Jutsu_ constantly. "The Hokage is ready to see you."

Naruto avoided his old academy teacher's gaze as he walked into the suddenly open doors of jiji's office. Today just seemed to be getting worse and worse. Maybe a visit with the old man would help?

"Ah, Kakashi-kun and Naruto-kun. You're rather early," the Sandaime Hokage greeted, smoke pouring over his lips. He idly tapped his pipe on the desk with his right hand. If he was startled by the two genin slung over Kakashi's shoulder, he didn't show it.

Sensei nodded as they stepped forward a few paces from the front of the desk. There was a line made of the desk's shadow that they stopped at; it came from the morning sun, shining behind the wizened shinobi.

"It's good to see you jiji!" Naruto exclaimed.

His vision blurred, and he felt the sensation that usually came right before faceplanting. He was left miraculously standing, but there was this flash of purple in his still spinning eyes that wouldn't leave.

"That is quite enough of that," the Sandaime Hokage commanded, directing a glare towards sensei and the shadowy far corner of the room.

"What just happened?" Naruto asked, curious. Was he stuck in some sort of vicious genjutsu that made him stumble every few hours, minutes?

"Maa maa, just correcting your manners," sensei said with a flippant wave of his hand. He had noticeably straightened his slouching figure, coming close to brushing the ceiling with his spiky hair.

 _Manners, Hatake?_ An oddly feminine voice in the back of Naruto's head groused. What on earth was going on around him recently? His life was just getting weirder and weirder…

"I said enough," Hiruzen growled, a sliver of killing intent burned through the air.

Naruto's heart missed a few beats; the sensation that he was already dead overwhelming him. He struggled to regain his breath afterwards, the cloying sensation clouding his mind.

"Maa maa, Hokage-sama, you'll wake my genin," Kakashi replied without a care. With an exaggerated roll of his shoulder Sakura and Sasuke flopped off of sensei's arm and stumbled onto the shadowed floor in front of the desk. His lone, sharp eye rolled down to the heap of genin on the floor. "Just a little too well defined, and a tad too long at this hour," he reprimanded, before returning his attention to the Hokage.

"Sensei?! Why did you drop them?" Naruto asked, indignantly.

"This floor doesn't hurt," he retorted with a shrug. The blonde genin remembered his own interaction with the wood floor and decided it was better not to question it. Sasuke and Sakura were fine, aside from being unconscious.

Jiji exhaled another stream of smoke that flew straight into the eyes of team seven's conscious members. "Aren't you being a little harsh on Usagi?" he asked.

Naruto rubbed his eyes. At least it wasn't the campfire smoke that wouldn't stop following him.

"I don't even have depth perception."

There was a pause as the Hokage sucked in another breath through his gaudy pipe. "Hmm, true. Your report."

"The mission was a failure, Hokage-sama."

"Hmph. I expected as much, continue."

"The mission was normal until team seven encountered two chunin level shinobi, missing nin from Kiri. They were killed swiftly by genin Haruno Sakura, so I opted to continue the mission. The mission continued without issue until we encountered Momochi Zabuza. I engaged but was trapped inside the _Water Prison jutsu_."

Kakashi paused before continuing. "Genin Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke were immediately disabled by Momochi's accomplice. Genin Uzumaki Naruto was prepared to engage the accomplice, but was stopped by the arrival of four newcomers."

"Black cloaks with red clouds printed on them matched the description of the Akatsuki-"

The Sandaime Hokage interrupted. "-I can cover the rest late Kakashi-kun. I have an hour to meet with you prior to the chunin nominations. Dismissed."

Sensei disappeared in a whirlwind of leaves that sharpened and embedded themselves into two small ovals in front of the Hokage's desk. Naruto heard a withering sigh in the back of his head, and the impression that someone was extremely annoyed. Those ovals looked an awful lot like a footprint though…

"I apologize on Kakashi-kun's behalf, Usagi. Drop the genin off at the hospital and you can be dismissed for the day."

Naruto closed his eyes as jiji blew another mouthful of smoke into his face. When he opened them the Hokage's office was leaf and teammate free.

"How are you doing Naruto-kun?" Sarutobi asked.

The image of Haku's corpse passed through his mind. "I'm doing good Jiji!" Naruto tried to shout. He failed to put enough energy into his tone though.

Jiji's unrelenting stare was enough to cow him into talking. Not immediately of course, a prankster could never cave instantly. "I made and lost a friend today," he began, unsure of how he was going to explain it.

"Hmph. Today?" the old man asked, looking down at the written report. When did that even get on his desk?

"Yeah. She was that Zabuza guy's student. There was this crazy cultist with a huge scythe. Zabuza was stabbed onto the scythe, and she wanted revenge. He wanted to kill me, so we kinda helped each other."

The Hokage nodded in understanding. "So the cultist guy was impossible to kill. She cut him in half with a huge icicle, but he was fine just a couple seconds longer, so we made a plan to bury him alive."

Jiji hummed lightly as he blew another puff of smoke, this one not pouring into Naruto's eyes. "Impressive thinking."

"Yeah, so we lured him to this cliff on the beach, and when we tricked him to get under it we dropped the top of the cliff on her."

Naruto paused as he began to get more animated. "Then there was this weird moment when the guy jumped out of the way, but was knocked back underneath and was crushed. Then when I turned back Haku was out of chakra and," he paused, his mind skipping over the details.

"She lost the will to live without Zabuza, and died," Jiji finished.

"Yeah…"

"Hmph. That happens to some people. You'd know better than most Naruto-kun. When you only have one light in the world, and that light gets snuffed out, then it's very easy to lose your own light."

Naruto nodded in understanding. "That kinda sounds like The Flames of Youth," he muttered.

Another puff of smoke curled upwards into the ceiling to reveal the old man's smile. "Usually in Konoha we call it the Will of Fire."

"Oh." So that's what that saying meant. He was always mildly curious about that.

"You liked this Haku, or you know you could grow to like her, right?" Jiji asked, his tone understanding.

"Yeah," Naruto said forlornly.

"Then, it's important to remember her, but don't dwell on it. Otherwise, you might end up like Sasuke-kun," the old man finished with a sly smile.

 _What?!_ That was how you became a friendless bastard that couldn't tell when a pretty girl liked him? No way! Not ever!

"There's no way I'll ever be like that bastard!" Naruto declared. "Because I'll be the one wearing that hat, and he won't! I'm the Hokage and he's a loser!"

"You better watch it old timer! That hat's not going to be on your head for long!"

"Hmph. We'll see. One last question though, how long did it take you to get back to Konoha?" the old man's smile was wider than Naruto had ever seen it. It glittered like money that had dropped from the sky.

"Well, one moment I was thinking about this long, white hair that burst into smoke, and the next Kakashi showed me Konoha's wall."

Ack! That smile was wider than Gai's, and looked a great deal more sinister as well. He didn't even know where that came from, and he didn't want to know.

That was one frightening smile, and Naruto quickly made a dash for the doors. If he couldn't see the smile then it couldn't scare him.

"Hey Naruto-kun! Wait up!" Iruka-sensei called, as he was passed without a second glance.

Naruto remembered the mortification falling for the _Orioke no Jutsu_ incited and pumped his legs faster, apologizing, to some sad looking man carrying a huge stack of paperwork, for almost knocking Sad-sack off of his legs.

He had escaped the Hokage's Tree! Spending a moment to dance around like a lunatic, he quickly tore off to his apartment. "I also avoided Iruka-sensei!"

 _Wait… what's that smell?_

It was heaven to his nostrils, so it had to be ramen. No other smell could stand head and shoulders above the rest like ramen's divine aroma could. The succulent smell of chicken, pork, and beef all blended together by the perfect mixture of miso. He could feel the spongy texture of salty noodles passing his lips and onto his tongue.

"-aruto? Naruto?" a male voice called.

He shook his head, clearing the appetizing scent of ramen from his head. Turning to greet whoever was calling his name, Naruto was shocked to see a-slightly miffed looking-Inuzuka Kiba.

"Uh, sorry Kiba. I was distracted by a nice smell," he apologized while rubbing the back of his neck.

Instead of shouting at him, Kiba nodded in understanding."I totally feel you, Naruto. Yakinu Q is grilling most of its meat right now, and we're directly downwind." He wiped a line of drool from his mouth. "But I heard you just got back from a C-rank today," Kiba said, explaining why he had caught up with him.

"Yeah…" Naruto confirmed. "We kind of failed it," he admitted with difficulty. Sure it was just Kiba, but any failure was grating on his pride.

"Oh, I heard that happens all the time with everyone's first C-rank. Sensei has been avoiding giving us one because of that," he whined.

Oh, that made him feel a whole lot better. "Who's your sensei again?" he asked. Sure he/she was there when Iruka-sensei was assigning teams, but he didn't remember anyone that well.

"Yuuhi Kurenai," at Naruto's look of incomprehension Kiba tried a different tactic. "Looks like an Uchiha, wears bandages, and is totally hot."

Oh, her. "Oh, okay. But aren't your teammates two other clan heirs or something?"

Kiba huffed in annoyance. "Yeah, she said she was waiting until her friend from Torture and Interrogation gets some leave. Something about getting crucified if we're harmed."

Naruto nodded in understanding. "Yeah, we were only able to go 'cause sensei's some kind of big shot. Even in the bingo book it says to approach Sasuke with caution because he's our sensei."

The Inuzuka frowned at that before replying. He wasn't a big fan of Sasuke either."Who's your sensei?"

"Hatake Kakashi, an asshole and washed out pervert," he complained, feeling 'benevolent' enough to only share a portion of his grievances.

"Hatake, huh?" Kiba repeated. "I don't know the first name, but the Inuzuka have always competed with the Hatake clan before they were nearly wiped out."

"Yeah, he did summon a fluffy ninken. I didn't see it, but Sakura wouldn't shut up about it."

The brown-haired boy crinkled his nose in distaste. "It was probably one of those pampered ones."

Naruto eyed Akamaru riding in the collar of his hoodie. "And he's not?" That white fur seemed to gleam in the eleven-o'clock light.

Kiba huffed defensively. "H-hey! I only carry him because he's so small, and can't run very fast. It's not 'cause he'll get hurt or anything: Akamaru's tough!"

The blonde snorted with disbelief. "Do you brush his hair and primp his tail too," he mocked.

There was a noticeable pause as the people around them bustled by. "Wait, you actually-"

Kiba interrupted him, looking a little frazzled. A red blush spread from his tribal tattoos. "-It was nice catching up, Naruto, but-uh-we've gotta go do something. Later!"

Naruto watched, feet ingrained into the street, as Kiba fled. "He's just avoiding the conversation," he muttered. Every since he'd met Kakashi-sensei his ability to see through lame excuses had risen exponentially. It was a rather disappointing skill because he had to put up with sensei's lame excuses.

There were some prices not worth paying.

" _You're six hours late sensei!" Sakura screeched. Naruto was just too disgusted to do anything more than scowl._

" _No, I'm eighteen hours early to make up for the rest of the week."_

He had never seen Sakura ever quite that angry.

"Oh hey Naruto, I see you were waiting on me," Iruka-sensei called with a small wave of his hand.

Dammit! Iruka had found him!

 _It's no use running or hiding. He has too much practice,_ Naruto lamented fondly. Sensei's-still smug-smile made him want to try it anyways.

"Uh, hey sensei," Naruto greeted lamely, cheeks flushing red.

His eyes met his former teachers; they held a malicious spark that made him squirm. "Why don't we go get some ramen," he suggested, placing a hand on his back to guide him.

 _Mmmhm, Ramen…_ Naruto thought before he could stop himself. It was just a ploy! A devious trick to make him lower his guard! He never knew Iruka could be so heartless to use ramen as bait for a trap, but Naruto had underestimated him.

The jinchuuriki wasn't going to let that slide a second time.

He didn't resist, though, as Iruka pulled him through the lunchtime crowd. They walked in complete silence; it only made Naruto's anxiety worse. Potential mortification and teasing was one thing, but this heavy anticipation from something harmless was much worse.

"Ne Naruto-kun?" Iruka broke the silence at last. "Do you think she's pretty?" he asked with an outstretched finger.

It led to a nice looking woman, but certainly not the most stunning in sight. What was Iruka doing? "Y-yeah." The words slipped out of his mouth.

"Mmhm, you should introduce yourself to her sometime. Her name's Tsubaki, Mizuki's ex-girlfriend."

Oh, it was so easy to blame Mizuki-sensei, and make him less than human in his mind. This just snapped everything into perspective. But if he was willing to betray a woman like that on top of Konoha…

Why was it so easy to hate, him in particular?

Why was someone smart, like Mizuki, willing to do something so stupid for revenge?

Iruka interrupted his musings before they could derail too quickly. "I think it'll be good for her to see that you're just a hyperactive boy rather than the demon Mizuki said you are. It certainly helped me," he finished with a small smile sent to the boy on his left.

 _Ack!_ That was way too sappy! Why was he so good at making things boring and/or sappy? Would it kill the guy to be exciting? He even did paperwork when there weren't students to teach!

 _I guess he's just hopeless_ , Naruto bemoaned.

"Bleh! I bet you eat sunshine and rainbows for breakfast too!" Naruto accused loudly, red cheeks belying his words.

"Oi! I was being serious you brat!" Iruka retorted, just as loud, as they walked into the ramen bar.

"That just makes it worse!" he retorted. "Hey Ayame-neechan, where's the old man?"

"Oh! Hello Naruto-kun, I see you dragged Iruka-san to foot the bill again?"

"Yes," Iruka grumbled. "Apparently he thinks I'm full of rainbows and free meal tickets."

Ayame met the sly glint in his eyes and proceeded to tease the genin as well. "Do you think I'm made of ramen, Naruto-kun?"

Sensei whapped him lightly on top of the head. "We've discussed this Naruto: Girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice. And I thought you were just catching on too."

The way Iruka's eyebrows jumped twice at the end of his reprimand was obviously code for Ayame to pick up where he left off. There was no other way for them to coordinate their attack so well.

"Oh!" she sighed melodramatically. "It won't be long until he stops caring about me for the ramen underneath, but my smooth skin and crisp uniform."

Naruto flushed red as he tried to make himself as small as possible on the barstool.

"I think it's already been too long. Just earlier he fell prey to his own _Orioke no Jutsu_ and couldn't even meet my eyes," Iruka warned.

"The jutsu that determines if you're a pervert?" Ayame clasped both hands over her mouth before a truly wide grin gave her away. "Naruto… how-how could you?"

Naruto folded his arms on the counter and hid his face in them. He wasn't doing a spectacular job at hiding his embarrassed flush. It was right then that he had remembered why he ran from Iruka-sensei earlier.

Running was the right option whenever someone, who had years of friendly revenge to inflict, suddenly gained something embarrassing to share.

* * *

Kurama roused itself from inside the seal. It should've been happy that the Yondaime hadn't trussed him up with vines like it was in a cheap porno, but getting sliced in half by the Shinigami was much worse.

The only thing being pumped into its latest jinchuuriki was pure Yang oriented chakra. Undoubtedly, the blonde human was a hyperactive brat like its previous two hosts.

What was worrisome was the lack of Yin chakra, strength of will and mind. Without a doubt, the jinchuuriki was a stupid, hyperactive human.

The most basic of worldly theory demanded that Yin and Yang be equal in all things. And if the puny human had an abundance of Yang chakra constantly siphoned into his veins, then he would have to provide Yin.

That was what The Kyuubi no Kitsune thought years ago. That information had proved irrelevant long ago. Relevant now, was the transformation the seal was undergoing. It had learned almost everything there was to know regarding fuinjutsu from Uzumaki Mito, but the Yondaime Hokage's seal was infinite. Unknowable, unfathomable, and unlimited.

Infinite.

And somehow that seal had done the impossible; it provided Yin chakra to the Kyuubi, and fueled the child with its own Yang chakra. Yin, so it could stay sentient. Yang, for the child to grow strong.

But the seal had done more than merely seal the largest portion of the Juubi. Uzumaki Naruto did not produce his own Yang chakra; all the strength of his body was fueled by the Kyuubi.

In one seal, with seemingly minimal effort one man had made Kurama mortal, and inseparably bound it's soul with his son. Namikaze Minato had made a fragment of the Juubi, the avatar of the planet's power, mortal.

Impossible. But it was real. Infinite was the word.

There was power being drawn from other dimensions, strings broaching time and space. To call it an eight trigrams seal was an insult to the mortal's genius.

Kurama remembered one horrible thing that happened that night: Namikaze Minato had dismissed The Shinigami, like it was some mere summon.

The Kyuubi shook those thoughts from its head: irrelevant. What was relevant was that Uzumaki's body had adapted to not produce any Yang chakra, but had devoted everything to Yin. That was dangerous because Yin was usually acquired with experience and knowledge, something no child had too much of.

Presented-but not flowing in-to Naruto's chakra coils was that concept of Infinity.

His body was trying to match the infinite Yang chakra, the seal presented, with Yin. But to have so much Yin in someone so woefully underdeveloped presented only one option from where to gather it: willpower.

Kurama could not think of anything more dangerous than for a mortal to have willpower that was striving for infinity.

The Second Pillar of Ninshu was based on that: to impose one's will onto reality.

There was a pause as something in the seal shifted, and Kurama waited with (a figurative) baited breath.

The strings that reached into infinity snapped, and it felt this impossibly disorienting sensation. It closed its eyes in a blind hope that it would end soon.

The pulling sensation of being spun at impossible speeds ceased, and there was stillness. Opening two ruby eyes it stared at what changed.

Nothing had changed, but the cage had gotten twice as small. And there was a man standing directly outside of the bars.

"Namikaze Minato," Kurama greeted politely. For if there was ever a second man to acknowledge by name, it was him.

"Hello Kurama," the Yondaime Hokage greeted. No, a fraction of him. A piece of infinity. Infinite.

"What has your… art done this time?" it asked, remembering that calling it a seal was a grave insult.

"My son's body has reached a physical maturity of sorts. It can no longer change like a child could. Or rather, he can no longer produce Yang chakra."

Kurama nodded, resisting the urge to call this man foolish. He had proven himself to be anything but.

"I've made you whole again as well. Perhaps you could tell me what will happen?" he requested with a small smile.

The Kyuubi would indulge the man, and perhaps see if his knowledge measured up. To be acknowledged by him would be a complement of immeasurable portions.

"The Yang in his body will remain the same, but The Infinite will still be presented. Adding my Yin to his will create an imbalance, but if he's incapable of providing his own Yang chakra to match it then he will…"

Kurama looked in shock at the audacity of the man standing in front of it. "He will defy the laws of the world. His Yin will grow greater despite his lower Yang capacity."

The Yondaime Hokage let out a smug smile at that. "His Yin will still grow like it must match infinity, and it will dwarf his Yang chakra. A black dot in the expanse of his white chakra."

"And what good will that be?" Kurama asked, to draw out the piece of the puzzle it must've missed.

"Hmmm? You haven't noticed? The overflow of his Yin chakra is pouring into the Infinite Multiverse."

Kurama froze, before erupting into boisterous laughter. "I have never met a human as bold as you."

Namikaze Minato snapped his fingers as if he just remembered something. "Ah, I have a gift for you Kurama. An apology for forcing a sentient being into this without even asking permission. Watch closely."

Kurama felt itself shrinking until it stopped at the Yondaime Hokage's height. Watching and feeling exactly what happened.

"You… poured yourself into the Infinity and it answered back," Kurama marvelled.

"I believe the Rikudo Sennin called it Yin-Yang release," Minato corrected. "Perhaps you could clean up this sewer, or make use of the infinite nature of my seal. I don't really care. But please, watch over my son."

Namikaze Minato erupted into a cloud of smoke, memories traversing across Infinity to the progenitor of the chakra.

Kurama snorted, not believing a word. It could sense all negative emotions, and thusly all positive ones by association.

All that came from him was curiosity, wonder at what his first experiment had become. There was no concern in that last request. Just a scientific marvel, and corresponding detachment.

Namikaze Minato, what a monstrous being that played human.

* * *

 **Chapter 2 End.**

Well, this one was supremely boring, but characters needed to develop and the plot needed to be set up.

The scene with Kurama was probably rather confusing, but it'll all be explained. The idea of the infinite multiverse is something that'll come into play later in order to explain _Hiraishin._ It's all rather interesting and abstract but will have a large effect on the plot later on.

There is a whole lot of foreshadowing if you care to make some predictions.

Also, I hope you enjoy the return of Tobi. Namikaze Minato was a little too monstrously powerful to utilize Obito, but Madara comes in to take his place.

Shoot me a PM if you want answers (spoilers).

* * *

 **Omake**

Orochimaru paused slightly as he continued to tinker with a rubix cube. Sometimes a genius worked better with just the thoughts in his head rather than experiments or notes.

He would know; he was a genius.

The Shodaime Hokage's corpse, kept in an open casket, opened its eyes and screamed a cry of complete and total anguish before collapsing once more.

Well, that was interesting. Perhaps Jiraiya had reduced himself to sodomizing trees (again)? Did he feel the imminent destruction of Konoha?

Orochimaru blinked languidly before returning his attention to the rubix cube, musing about the infinite possibilities of chakra.


End file.
